Domestic Violence...lets talk about it.

Recently I’ve been chatting with you all about some of the things we discuss in my book. But this week, I wanted to talk about something that was on my heart 💖 I find it pretty hard to be open and honest about some things in my life when I’m struggling with others.

That’s why I wanted to come here today to talk about domestic violence 👇

I recently attended a beautiful fundraiser for Kelly Wilkinson. You may have heard her story recently on the news if you’re in Australia. Kelly was a Mum of three beautiful children on the Gold Coast and her husband murdered her 💔 Her sister has five children and now looks after Kelly’s three kids, which means she’s got eight kids at home now! 

Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business ocean side

Sadly… I know it’s not a unique story.

Did you know one in six women experience physical or sexual abuse from someone in their household between the ages of 15 and older? 

I have so many lovely ladies part of my community, subscribed to my newsletter, listening to our podcast and following me on Instagram in this demographic, making it super close to home ❤️ It’s even closer to home for me because I used to work in child protection services and met women every single day that were going through domestic violence. I saw how it happens…and even sadder what keeps them in those situations. 😭

During my time working in this space, I found it super tricky to disconnect 😅 I found it really hard to carry on with my day and have people worrying about the littlest things when there were other women just around the corner going to bed each night literally fearing for their life 🙁 A lot of the women in these situations also have kids… and that brought a whole new level of worry too 😭

In the child safety industry, we always stood by the fact that child safety is everybody’s business. I truly believe it’s the same with domestic violence too. It’s super intimate because it usually happens under the roof of a home, and it’s hidden by closed doors, which means many people don’t hear about it or know much about it 🙅‍♀️

Rather than talking about how we can change the world, let’s shift the focus to how you can change your world – your little piece of your world. Who are the people in your life that might need your support? 💫

We can all do our part to recognize the warning signs

No person wakes up one day and thinks, “I’m going to murder my partner today”. It’s always an escalating process, and there are so many warning signs along the way. Although we can often sense that something is wrong from the outside, it’s such a taboo subject that we don’t know how to deal with it or what to say 🤷‍♀️

When we think about the fact that 1 in 6 women go through this, it’s inevitable that someone in your world is in this situation 🤔  But the other scary thing, is that the perpetrator is someone you know too. It could be your mate, brother, dad, colleague or acquaintance, but it’s an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling to tackle and even more so - conversation to have. So most of us avoid it. 😱

Standing on the outside, there are many behaviours that we can pick up on to identify these situations.

• A common phrase is that women experiencing these situations become “a shell of themselves”.

• She may stop going out, her energy drops, and she becomes more reserved.

• Another thing to know is that women in these situations often push people away.

• Often when girlfriends are needed the most, they step back and think that they’re being blocked out.  

As a woman, the best thing you can do when you notice these things is not to become a victim blamer and just to be there.

• Continue to check-in and show up – even if that person shuts you out 💖Just be there.

• Ask questions – do they have somewhere safe to go? Do they have someone they can call for help?

Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business on the beach in the afternoon

Sitting on the Sidelines

I have two brothers that are always around other guys at work and play AFL, and I have a husband that is a CEO of his company (so an influence and role model for his own male staff) and he used to play rugby so is constantly surrounded by men.

There are conversations that I have heard over the years amongst men via them that have happened at work, on the sporting sidelines, at the gym or at training that are simply not okay. Sometimes it’s played off as humour but saying really derogatory things about women is just not acceptable.

The problem with just being a bystander and not stepping in is that these perpetrators start to think that it’s okay, and normalise their thoughts and behaviour… and they not only get away with it 🙅‍♀️ but continue to strengthen their beliefs which reinforces their behaviour.

We need to shift this way of thinking to make any real change in the community. It’s about transforming their thinking. If you hear a male say something that really doesn’t sit well with you, we need to step in instead of laughing along (or avoiding it and turning the other way because it’s uncomfortable). It doesn’t mean we have to start a fight, but simply pulling them up shows them where the line is. 

Domestic Violence isn’t always Physical Abuse

Sometimes it’s when there is an imbalance of power and control. A lot of the time, the way men end up controlling women is through money. When men hold money over women, they loose their freedom, their power, their independence and autonomy. They have to start asking permission to do things, go places and see people.

Without money, they become separated from their community, their family and their freedom 😢…which is also where they loose their safety net. They get cut off from people which means loved one’s can’t see or notice the abuse to be able to report it or offer help or emotional support.

If the man controls the money, more often than not it means when she is out socialising - its also with him which makes it even harder for her to ask for help and adds to the illusion thats everything’s ok because they are showing up together. Sometimes his behaviour may come across chivalrous - when really it’s controlling, manipulative and stalkerish.

This is why I am so passionate about empowering women with their own income stream from home. It's not a luxury - it’s our safety and insurance. Download my free ebook if you would love to read some more statistics around women and wealth and how you can be empowered with your own finances and future.

Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business mindset facts

Men Holding Money over Women’s Heads

When you hear comments about men controlling the money or notice situations like this, it can be as simple as asking: How does your partner feel about this?

Girls are much more likely to do this with other women in their life, but we need to encourage more men to do this and engage in this conversation with men - showing empathy and respect for women as equal partners 🙏

They say we’re the result of the five people we spend the most time with, so it’s important to consider what influence you can have on the people in your life too…

You can make a difference…

Stepping in can also be as simple as just sharing openly how you treat your partner as an equal, how you communicate with your partner, how you manage finances as a couple and even how you manage your own emotions, including stress, jealousy and anger. By speaking about meditation, journaling, or exercise to control emotion, rather than physical or emotional manipulation as an outlet, men can drive change by leading by example. It all starts with open conversations. 

Stepping in when you need to is so important 

If you are worried about someone and there’s just something that intuitively doesn’t feel right, you need to speak up. If someone in your social circle makes a really inappropriate joke and you just avoid it because it’s easier. Your silence is making it easier for the perpetrator.

They are getting the message it’s ok. It is normal to think like that. No one is telling them that’s disrespectful or holding them accountable… you’re giving them permission. Please don’t stay quiet. Challenge their perspective and say something. 

Men …

I really believe it starts with you too. Don’t join in on the banter when one of your mates is saying derogatory things about his partner. Opening that conversation can be as simple as saying – I don’t find that funny, that doesn’t sit well with me or that sounds a little bit controlling. 

As I said at the start of this blog, I find it really hard to just go on with my day when I know there are things like this happening in the world around me all the time. We can all do something to be part of change, or at least influence change in our own small world. I have a platform and audience so I figured let’s use it to start a conversation about something that is relevant and affects all of us in some way.

Women…

So this weeks blog is a different energy to usual but trust me when I say my head is always in the clouds dreaming and being positive…but my feet are planted firmly on the ground and I know what the reality is for a lot of women around the world which is massive driver behind what I do - empowering women with community, support, self worth, financial literacy and their own money.

If you’re going through a situation like this, I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and there are definitely support services that can help you. But it’s also up to us – everyday people – to make the change too.

Please know my inbox is always open if you would like to chat…

Sending all my love, light and strength

P.S We hosted a free event this week where we spoke about how we are empowering women all around the world with financial independence if you would love to to watch the replay here. If it resonates with you on any level - please reach out.

BOOK UPDATE + 2019 REFLECTIONS / oh and let me reintroduce myself...

Happy New Year fam bam!

I hope you are feeling energised and excited for 2020 after having some quality time with your loved ones over the Christmas Break (I also hope you and your family are safe from the Aus bushfires) all my love, light and strength is being sent out to my fellow Aussies, our country and wildlife right now) and a reminder to open your heart, wallets and home where you can.

I guess I should reintroduce myself? Hi, I am Lauren Kerr! haha we had the most beautiful wedding the week before Christmas and spent the last few weeks in our love bubble with our nearest and dearest who had travelled all around the world to share our magical day with us.

The day itself was more beautiful than we could have ever imagined - despite everything leading up to it being a disaster (but I promise to share that in a later blog and all the wedding details/vendors - for now I will share a sneaky photo with you!)

Book Life Above Zero - by Lauren Kerr

So what now…

Over the last three weeks in my down time, resetting and getting re-inspired myself for a new year - I have read and listened to 5 really great books that I would love to share;

• Emma Isaacs / Winging it

• Aubrey Marcus / Own the day, Own your life

• Louise Hay / You can heal your Life

• Carmine Gallo / Talk Like Ted

• My book “Life Above Zero” twice - before the final edits went to its big print THIS WEEK! It feels so surreal! Have you ordered your copy yet?

Take my Happiness Test Now for Fun…

I only have limited copies for my community so get in quick and order yours if you would love to be one of the first to read it! Otherwise you will have to wait for the official launch date in book stores in Aus in March.

Signed Pre-ordered Copies

Pre ordered copies (will also be personally signed to say A BIG THANKYOU!) will start to arrive in your mailboxes the last week of January - the perfect time after the festive season has slowed down to set or revisit goals for 2020, dig deep and get clarity on what truly makes you happy and learn how you can make small shifts in your health, relationships and career to find the fulfilment we all seem to be chasing and try save as many as I can from the mental health epidemic.

AND YES WE SHIP WORLD WIDE!! - Order your copy here - and be sure to tag me in photos as they arrive. I can not wait to hear what you take from the book and what breakthroughs you have - all my heart, lessons and education has gone into it and I can not wait to gift it and pay it forward to you.

Annual goal setting…

Between reading, reflecting and journaling over our Wedding and Christmas hiatus - I did my annual goal setting where I set clear intentions for the year in each of my highest values (health, relationships, business, travel, wealth and personal development).

Goal 1

One of my goals I identified was to enjoy stillness. It sounds so simple but I honestly struggle to not only create more white space, but ENJOY it. I have the tendency to run a million miles per hour, juggling a hundred things at once (and getting them all done too may I add ) and then feeling guilty or uncomfortable resting. I’m your “I’m your get shit done girl 🙋🏼‍♀️” - but one thing I realised amongst the hustle is I lost my connection to my intuition.

OH OOH…

Some of you may know I twisted my ankle a few days before my wedding! I was supposed to be clocked off and in holiday mode but I felt restless and so decided to go for a big run and BAM! 

As I was reading Louise Hays book “you can heal your life” over Christmas, I had a little chuckle to myself that in her book she explained injured ankles translates to the “resistance or guilt around enjoying and accepting all the pleasure life has to offer.” Which rang so true for me.

Bouncing Back!

So here I am, committing to myself (and publicly to you too for extra accountability). This year I am making my spirituality and stillness a priority - connecting to my intuition through journaling, meditating, moon tracking and yoga AND rejoicing and accepting all the joy life has to offer (without the guilt 🥰).

I would love to hear your reflections from 2019 and what are you publicly committing to this year? I can not wait to start seeing my book in your hands, for all of you beautiful souls who have already ordered it - I am excited to see what 2020 has in store for you, be prepared for some mindset shifts.

Check out my Book

Food for thought - Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul

It is the season to be Jolly

So it is getting to that time of the year, work parties, Christmas parties, New Year getaways, it is the season to be jolly! Every weekend seems to be filled with reasons to celebrate with yummy food, great drinks and even better company (and with good reason we should be celebrating - we made it, another year of health, happiness and lessons). Me personally, I am a sucker for a cheese platter and a Tia Maria with Coke! But…it hasn’t always been like that.

Is it worth the calories?

The old me (well in one of my phases of learning) the thought of having to test myself and my diet would cause me anxiety. I would very carefully way up if I had the will power to attend these events and not indulge or if it would be easier for me just to miss it altogether. I would count calories, I would punish myself with an extra long run. I would tell myself I didn't deserve dinner that night. Tragic I know, but I am confident when I say, I know I am not alone.

Maybe its Maybelline, or maybe it is a filter?

Being a girl in general, historically in the western culture we have been valued for our cosmetic make up. I know! I know! We have come a long way - women and men have both fought for women’s rights, now being more widely accepted and valued for our minds, our nature and our being.

However this is even complicated again by the massive presence of social media. I have read a lot of arguments from both sides advocating for and against the pressure of social media on women’s self-esteems, and they both have very good points - social media can manipulate and taunt your ego but only if you allow it.

We all know better, on our best days...

It takes a strong willed, confident, wise and content woman to consciously resist the influence and temptation to compare themself to the photo shopped and filtered images of the ideal woman which seem to be plastered everywhere these days; TV, movies, magazine, Facebook, instagram, billboards etc.

But who are these confident invincible women? Sure, we are all her on our best days, we know and acknowledge that photo was probably her 50th attempt of sucking in, pocking her ass out and playing with the filter effects.

But, we all have days where we feel inadequate, where we feel we fall short and we buy into the comparison game (even that girl you are comparing yourself to) - and that is OK, it has a lot to do with the evolution of our psyche (which is explained in an earlier blog ‘it’s OK to not be OK’).

I have been there...

Not only am I a girl in the 21st century who has Instagram and Facebook to turn to for regular reminders of all the amazingly beautiful women out there, I am also a dancer, who out of all places - lives on the Gold Coast. I have been in the industry where I have been told I was too big.

I have been told before if I wanted to be given any more work - I would need to loose weight. I have been surrounded by the culture of girls experimenting with laxatives, prescription drugs such as duromine, and discussions of the easiest ways to bring your food back up.

Surrounded by the lifestyle of weighing food portions and strict routines of eat, gym, sleep, repeat. I am a big advocate for a healthy lifestyle - but not when it consumes you.

It is a poisonous mindset I felt the more I focused on weight, the harder it was to loose it (in hindsight I wish I knew about the effect women's hormones and contraception can have on weight - punishing myself for something that was outside of my control did not help). I hated the gym but did it because I thought that is what I needed to do.

I ate a bland boring diet. I would get jealous of girls eating whatever they wanted because I knew I couldn’t do that without experiencing a heavy weight of guilt. I deliberately committed to three jobs as well as uni so it wasn’t even possible for me to attend these social events and be tempted by unhealthy choices. It was a poisonous mindset that dominated every second of every day and dictated every decision I made.

I was lucky, I realised early and chose to make changes that I deserved...

I was lucky, this mindset didn’t stick around for long. The fact that I could recall a time of my life that I didn’t think like that was enough motivation for me to make some changes. Part of me felt that my thinking habits were instinctual - normal - like every girl thought like that, but slowly I came to the realisation I was very wrong - there is so much more to life than continuously monitoring my intake and experiencing waves of guilt.

Food is your friend Now, I am not opening myself up for fire; I understand these symptoms I described earlier probably was the early onset of an eating disorder, and those who do suffer such unfortunate diseases can’t be magically cured by reading this blog, they need the long term support of a mental health practitioner.

I am not naive and I also understand this is not an issue that affects solely women. I acknowledge I am no diet or nutrition expert - however I do know about psychology, challenging and changing perspective in order to experience gratitude and mindfulness - a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

Food should be your friend! Eating something yummy literally makes you happy by releasing endorphins. Our culture like so many others, is built around sharing food, drinks and laughter with friends and family. We need food to fuel our body – it’s imperial that you are able to build a healthy relationship with food not only for you happiness, but your survival!

7 Tips on building a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

1. Eat to fuel your mind, body and soul.

Firstly, a conscious effort to incorporate healthy nutritional meals in your diet and limit junk food is great. However how many of you have started diets? Finished diets? Then gone back to your previous way of eating? I am guessing most of you.

This can be fixed by changing your mindset. Don’t limit yourself to a “diet”, don’t deny yourselves food that literally makes you happy! Skip the diet, just eat healthy! Eat cookie dough when your heart wants it, and kale salad when you’re body needs it. A balanced healthy diet – everything in moderation. Trust me, your mind, body and soul will thank you.

2. Be mindful.

When you are eating, make sure you enjoy each mouthful, savor the taste. Sure when you are having your favourite ice cream, you go right ahead and demolish it! You Go Glen Coco You Go! We aren’t superheroes, everyone has their kryptonite. But, try to get in a habit of  paying attention to your body.

Sit down at a table to eat, rather than eating on the go or while watching TV. Be aware of how your body is feeling, are you full? Have a glass of water, leave it for 10 minutes and give your brain time for your body’s messages to register before you go for seconds (those left overs could be your free lunch tomorrow). Let your body guide you.

3. Be grateful for what you have before you loose it.

Like the relationship you had with your parents before they past away, or a past friendship or lover lost - don’t wait until it’s too late before you realise what you have. Do you recall a time where you had even a cold or flu and you told yourself you would do anything to be healthy again? Well use that same mindset with your body. You only have one, take care of it.

Don’t exercise to loose weight, don’t exercise to get that bikini body, exercise to clear your head, exercise to release endorphins, exercise to prevent cardiovascular disease, exercise to prevent diabetes, exercise to delay the onset of alzheimer’s. Exercise is not punishment - it is a gift. There is someone somewhere who lives their life in a wheel chair and would give anything to go for a run - don’t take your ability for granted.

4. If you don’t like it, don’t do it!

There is no use forcing yourself to go for a run if you hate every minute of it. Likewise there is no point in dragging yourself to the gym if you don’t enjoy yourself! It is so much easier to lead a healthy and active lifestyle when you are honest to yourself and play to your strengths. What do you like? You hate exercise and find it easier to feed your competitive side - get involved in a team sport.

You enjoy the energy and support of a gym - go and pump some weights. You enjoy the peace and solitude that comes with a morning walk - well put your runners on and enjoy ‘your time’. Remember why you are doing it. No-one is forcing you to exercise - you are doing it because some part of it aligns with your values. You are doing this because you want to, you are doing this for you!

 5. Be kind to yourself, you are human.

As I spoke earlier in regards to the mindset of ‘diets’. You are setting yourself up to be punished. You are setting some distinct rules on what you can and can’t do, and no-one likes being told what to do! Rules are made to be broken, and as humans it is in our nature to do exactly that – otherwise there wouldn’t be prisons, divorce, school detentions or time out in the naughty corner!

So after you have demolished that whole tub of cookie-dough ice-cream, don’t beat yourself up and send your self off on a guilt trip (I am sure the belly ache will be punishment enough in itself)…instead, acknowledge ‘that was naughty…oh but so worth it’ and maybe wait until the next weekend before you go do it again, that way it still has the novelty of being a treat.

 6. Pick your friends wisely.

Choose your friendship, leisure, sporting and work groups carefully. You have control over what circle you choose to stay in, so make sure you are choosing contexts that support and encourage you to be the best version of you. I am not sure if it is just a stereotype on the Gold Coast, or if it is the impression the rest of Australia also has on the people that live here, but I often hear “The Gold Coast is so pretentious - people here are so fake”.

Yes, l admit I understand how some people may have that perception, but that is a result of the environment they are in and the people they are choosing to mingle with. I love dancing, but due to the context that surrounded me for a while I lost my passion for it. I consciously decided to leave that environment, as I very well knew you become a product of your environment, and the values that were surrounding me no longer reflected ones I stood for.

Yes the Gold Coast has the best nightlife, but it also has the most beautiful beaches and rainforests. If you don’t want to spend every weekend following your friend’s unhealthy drinking habits, look for friends in different circles, put on your runners and go for a hike, go stand up paddle boarding. Fill your friendship circles with healthy influences, people who pick you up, motivate you, remind you of your worth and support your mind, body and soul.

7. Lead by example.

Women, we are our biggest critics. It is very rare that you hear a man putting a woman down for her weight, eating or exercise habits. We are the ones (majority of the time) making a snide remark “have you seen her in real life? She is fat”, “she’s skinny fat, she’s not toned”, “she would have the perfect body if she had an ass”…etc…the list goes on. Have you heard the quote “girls compete with each other, women empower one another?”.

Once again I don’t agree with insulting a woman’s maturity, but it is true to a certain extent. With experience, wisdom and self-love women do realise competing with some one is just playing to your insecurities. You are beautiful. Every woman is beautiful, and this is because our bodies look different, our minds think different and our souls yearn for different things.

So to help other women, and to do your part in changing women’s mindsets, every once in a while upload a photo of yourself or you girlfriends without a filter or any edits. Lead by example, show other women it is OK to be you, the real authentic you (freckles, stretchmark’s and all)!

When you hear another woman critiquing/commenting on another’s body, I don’t advise you attack her or even instigate a heated debate, what about just commenting on something you love about her rather than joining in on the slamming. Demonstrate to other women what supporting women looks like, so they can learn to do the same.

Lead by example, hopefully with enough leaders leading the self-love movement and consciously resisting the urge to feed the ego and instead choosing to feed their mind, body and soul, others will be encouraged and taught to do the same.