Tips on How to Understand Your Other Half
Did you know?
Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place.
We see this in marriages…
This pattern appears to be maintained in marital interactions, when married people argue; husbands show stronger and longer-lasting physiological arousal than wives. As a result, husbands tend to avoid marital conflicts, whereas wives are more willing to argue and confront their spouse with problems.
Contradictory to what you are lead to believe - women are not more emotional than men
Read my last blog to understand why the traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong. However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.
Men and women cope with the same bad moods in different ways
A general theory is that when feeling depressed, women frequently respond with rumination (thinking about the problem) where as men more commonly try to distract themselves with other thoughts or activities.
It’s suggested this may contribute to the higher rate of depression among women, as rumination about the reason behind feeling depressed is more likely to prolong the bad feelings than shifting the attention to something more cheerful such as a sport or hobby.
Men often seek to keep themselves busy doing some task or chore, which helps by not only taking the mind off trouble but allowing feelings of success and efficiency to foster if something useful can be achieved.
We consume different things…
Women tend to eat whilst men tend to drink in order to regulate moods. When seeking to feel better, women are more likely to go shopping or ring someone to talk about an issue. Whilst men are more likely than women to turn to humor to make light of the problem, and rate sexual activity as a successful method to improve their emotional state.
However this also leads to the belief women find hard to comprehend; when women want to talk, men want sex.
It’s suggested it does not necessarily mean the same emotions aren’t felt on either part, however due to cultures display rules, sex may of evolved as an appropriate and successful method of expression and release of emotion for men. This leads to the question…
Does sex mean the same for men and as it does for women?
Women create emotional intimacy through talk and self-disclosure, where-as men tend to do so through activity. In marriage, sex is often the activity that men use to create intimacy. It is argued that in most contemporary couples, wives do not count sex as communication or as a method for establishing intimacy.
Research has confirmed this difference; women would like for their male partners to be more emotionally communicative, and men would like more sex. This difference can produce a discrepancy in what each thinks is the level of communication in their relationship.
We aren’t talking the same language
The differences between men’s and women’s typical styles of communication have been proposed as a major source of conflict in marriage as it’s contended that men and women use different communication styles and strategies, even though goals and feelings are similar.
Communication is a major task for couples with many people believing women’s speech is more emotional than a man’s, and women are more likely to show sympathy and communicate their support in problem situations. However in a study in which men and women offered supportive communications, few differences appeared between men’s and women’s style of communication.
What can we learn from others mistakes
In regards to dissolving relationships, although divorced men and women both described failures to live up to their ideals, descriptions showed some variation. Both women and men saw failures in achieving emotional intimacy, but attributed the failures to different reasons.
Women tended to claim husbands had not talked nor shared feelings with them as they had expected, essentially there was no communication. Divorced men largely agreed with this assertion, blaming themselves for not communicating with their former wives, maintaining they had difficulties in talking about their feelings.
However divorced men also claimed their wives had failed to provide emotional support, which they tended to define as physical affection. The working class men repeatedly said that their wives were not waiting “with their arms open and a kiss” when the men came home from work. Such physical manifestations of intimacy were lacking, resulting in feelings that marriages were lacking emotional intimacy.
Understand, we are talking the same words in different languages
These gender related differences reflect the talk based-based versus action-based styles that are typical of women and men, suggesting however the differences may be due to cultures “display rules” which vary for each gender rather than a difference in emotion.
Consistent with highlighted research, however contrasting the prevalent stereotype of over emotional women in western culture, it has become apparent the need for new gender stereotypes to be evolved and accepted in society, especially in regards to increasing levels of depression and anxiety.
Such gender stereotypes that run more closely dictating the reality of the similarities in emotion that are experienced by both genders rather than the slight differences in expression that are exaggerated by the notion ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’.
HELPFUL TIPS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
Teach your children what you have learnt from reading this; breaking down stereotypes begins with them. Encourage your son’s it is OK to cry and talk about their emotions. Encourage your daughters to self regulate through sport or an activity where they will achieve a sense of efficiency rather than ruminating.
If you are having trouble understanding your partner – ask them to read this. Ask if they agree or what their thoughts are – it might start a discussion.
Ask you partner how you can make them feel loved? For some it is just being there, for others they need words, physical affection or it being demonstrated by a gesture (a good book to read is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman to understand this more).
In turn ask your partner how they show you they love you…
