Tips on How to Understand Your Other Half
Did you know?
Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place.
We see this in marriages…
This pattern appears to be maintained in marital interactions, when married people argue; husbands show stronger and longer-lasting physiological arousal than wives. As a result, husbands tend to avoid marital conflicts, whereas wives are more willing to argue and confront their spouse with problems.
Contradictory to what you are lead to believe - women are not more emotional than men
Read my last blog to understand why the traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong. However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.
Men and women cope with the same bad moods in different ways
A general theory is that when feeling depressed, women frequently respond with rumination (thinking about the problem) where as men more commonly try to distract themselves with other thoughts or activities.
It’s suggested this may contribute to the higher rate of depression among women, as rumination about the reason behind feeling depressed is more likely to prolong the bad feelings than shifting the attention to something more cheerful such as a sport or hobby.
Men often seek to keep themselves busy doing some task or chore, which helps by not only taking the mind off trouble but allowing feelings of success and efficiency to foster if something useful can be achieved.
We consume different things…
Women tend to eat whilst men tend to drink in order to regulate moods. When seeking to feel better, women are more likely to go shopping or ring someone to talk about an issue. Whilst men are more likely than women to turn to humor to make light of the problem, and rate sexual activity as a successful method to improve their emotional state.
However this also leads to the belief women find hard to comprehend; when women want to talk, men want sex.
It’s suggested it does not necessarily mean the same emotions aren’t felt on either part, however due to cultures display rules, sex may of evolved as an appropriate and successful method of expression and release of emotion for men. This leads to the question…
Does sex mean the same for men and as it does for women?
Women create emotional intimacy through talk and self-disclosure, where-as men tend to do so through activity. In marriage, sex is often the activity that men use to create intimacy. It is argued that in most contemporary couples, wives do not count sex as communication or as a method for establishing intimacy.
Research has confirmed this difference; women would like for their male partners to be more emotionally communicative, and men would like more sex. This difference can produce a discrepancy in what each thinks is the level of communication in their relationship.
We aren’t talking the same language
The differences between men’s and women’s typical styles of communication have been proposed as a major source of conflict in marriage as it’s contended that men and women use different communication styles and strategies, even though goals and feelings are similar.
Communication is a major task for couples with many people believing women’s speech is more emotional than a man’s, and women are more likely to show sympathy and communicate their support in problem situations. However in a study in which men and women offered supportive communications, few differences appeared between men’s and women’s style of communication.
What can we learn from others mistakes
In regards to dissolving relationships, although divorced men and women both described failures to live up to their ideals, descriptions showed some variation. Both women and men saw failures in achieving emotional intimacy, but attributed the failures to different reasons.
Women tended to claim husbands had not talked nor shared feelings with them as they had expected, essentially there was no communication. Divorced men largely agreed with this assertion, blaming themselves for not communicating with their former wives, maintaining they had difficulties in talking about their feelings.
However divorced men also claimed their wives had failed to provide emotional support, which they tended to define as physical affection. The working class men repeatedly said that their wives were not waiting “with their arms open and a kiss” when the men came home from work. Such physical manifestations of intimacy were lacking, resulting in feelings that marriages were lacking emotional intimacy.
Understand, we are talking the same words in different languages
These gender related differences reflect the talk based-based versus action-based styles that are typical of women and men, suggesting however the differences may be due to cultures “display rules” which vary for each gender rather than a difference in emotion.
Consistent with highlighted research, however contrasting the prevalent stereotype of over emotional women in western culture, it has become apparent the need for new gender stereotypes to be evolved and accepted in society, especially in regards to increasing levels of depression and anxiety.
Such gender stereotypes that run more closely dictating the reality of the similarities in emotion that are experienced by both genders rather than the slight differences in expression that are exaggerated by the notion ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’.
HELPFUL TIPS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
Teach your children what you have learnt from reading this; breaking down stereotypes begins with them. Encourage your son’s it is OK to cry and talk about their emotions. Encourage your daughters to self regulate through sport or an activity where they will achieve a sense of efficiency rather than ruminating.
If you are having trouble understanding your partner – ask them to read this. Ask if they agree or what their thoughts are – it might start a discussion.
Ask you partner how you can make them feel loved? For some it is just being there, for others they need words, physical affection or it being demonstrated by a gesture (a good book to read is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman to understand this more).
In turn ask your partner how they show you they love you…
You may be surprised, your partner may have been putting in so much effort into loving you, but you have been deaf or blind to their language.
Letting Go and Dealing with Breakups
Letting Go by Life Above Zero
The Breakup - Letting Go 101
““That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” ”
YOU’LL BE IN PAIN
Yes, it hurts. Unfortunately, pain does not discriminate. It affects us all: the elderly, children, men, women, the rich and the poor. Every race in every country, in every town or city or village is subject to pain.
The pain of stubbing a toe, the pain of a broken bone or a split lip. Then there is a different kind of pain, which is not tangible, not as obvious to others as a sling or bruise.
BIG GIRLS CRY
Girls get it over and done with. Generally, we accept that the fairer sex, women, tend to talk about when they’re in emotional pain. Women cry and talk and cry some more and analyse their break up from every angle so it can be resolved.
Research has identified that women do fall in love faster; ironically they also get over relationships faster than their male counterparts.
…BOYS CRY TOO?!
Sorry guys, you suck at moving on. Men, at the end of a relationship tend to (on average, according to research - apologies for the generalisation to those emotionally intelligent blokes reading) revert to wearing a façade. Men will say they’re OK, and genuinely believe that for some time.
They will distract themselves with anything they can get their hands on - mates, alcohol, sport, gym, work and casual sex for a few months. This is partly why the suicide rate is higher amongst men, but that is a discussion for another day.
Eventually, when their façade begins to weaken, their pain creeps up and surprises them. Finding themselves being faced with a failed relationship will push a man to one of two conclusions.
Man realises he really is happier without Sally. He goes about his business and meets Jill.
Man realises he really isn’t ok. He realises he’s made a mistake and usually by this time Sally has moved on and is now dating Jack.
WELCOME TO THE CLUB
Failed relationships - we all have them. Gen Y, we’ve come up with a brilliant foolproof plan for moving on (excuse the sarcasm);
You explained to them how you felt and the need for the clean break - because we are all mature adults who can handle talking about emotions right?
You cut them out of your life - let’s be honest, you blocked them on Facebook but are using your best friends account to keep an eye on them.
You are moving forward with your life… well you’re trying to and are hoping that whoever you’ve left behind is seeing all your fabulous Instagram posts about how well you’re doing without them.
JUST STOP…
What you’re doing is not working. These are all appropriate and relevant steps and congratulations for being decisive enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. However, as much as I would like to tell you you are on your way….I am sorry to say you are not. The crazy Facebook stalking and forced smile in your Instagram selfie isn’t fooling anyone, including yourself.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
The “…but’s”, “…what if’s” & “…I should have’s” are making you crazy. It’s a slow process, but you will get there. Firstly, we need to explore your thinking. The reason people have trouble letting go of relationships are usually the huge questions of ‘WHY’ and ‘WHAT IF’. Generally there is still resentment or disbelief as to how one party fell short of the others expectations, or because there is unfinished business. This can have very negative effects on your mindset and wellbeing.
RESENTMENT.
Let it go. As the famous Nelson Mandala states “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”, wasting energy hating another person is not doing you any favours.
If they did something to hurt you why are you the one who is being punished feeling all this hate? If they haven’t been bothered enough to address and solve the situation, you allowing them to consume your energy is having no affect on them.
You lie awake thinking of your situation. They are sleeping just fine. The only thing you are doing is closing yourself off from all the gifts the universe is trying to give to you, if only you were present. Allow your past to make you better, not bitter.
EXPECTATIONS.
Expect things only of yourself, that way you cannot be disappointed. A wise woman (my beautiful mother) once told me not to place my own expectations onto someone else. The old saying ‘treating others how you would like to be treated’ still stands during the break down of a relationship. I know you don’t want to, but give your best anyway.
Unfortunately there are no rules or textbook dictating each role in a relationship and there certainly aren’t any rules during the ending of a relationship. You have to just learn and move forward. At least next time you’ll allocate your energies accordingly.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
It’s tough to believe, but generally a break up affects both of you. Try to be mindful of how the other person feels, just because things have ended between you does not make them a bad person.
Maybe they were brought up with different family values, maybe their culture doesn’t hold the same beliefs or meaning, maybe they have been hurt before and you are just witnessing their carefully critiqued coping mechanism.
YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN
There is probably nothing more you can do to fix the situation. All you can do is acknowledge you did all you were willing to at the time; you were the best person you could be. Simply understand it happened and dwelling on it, re-living it, ruminating on every little detail won’t change anything.
You only prevent yourself from closing a chapter and getting closer to your happy-ever-after. So let go of the negative energy. Let go of the hate. Let go of the heavy burden. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do.
BUT WHAT IF I HAD…?
You’ve done all you can. So, the unfinished business…the “what if?” What if what? This is one I hear over and over again. Insert your excuse: timing, priorities, work, travelling, etc.
If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, if you both truly wanted it you would both be fighting for it, now! So write down every reason you’re telling yourself is the excuse for the prolonged clean break.
Once you have written them all down – imagine each of those excuses being as you want them to be. How do you feel now? I am confident you still won’t feel ready to commit.
That’s because; yes you like them, you like the comfort you find in them - its not enough. Be honest to yourself – you like them, or maybe they like you, but not enough.
THE CHAPTER IS OVER.
Closure. It’s something so many women yearn for and I swear so many men would benefit from were it socially acceptable for men to talk about feelings (we are closer than any other generation when it comes to men and their feelings - Gen Y give yourself a pat on the back).
This is such a powerful step for moving forward. You need to have already sat and made peace with your thoughts and acknowledged your feelings. Once you have explored your feelings – I am sure you will have some questions.
Why did they hurt me? Did I do something wrong? Did they not understand me?
After the chaos has cleared, and you can muster up the courage to talk to the other party without your heart dropping to your stomach or breaking down into tears –ask them those questions.
Ask for some honest feedback. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them. There is no such thing as failure in life, just lessons – and that includes relationships too.
Learn from past mistakes – grow – love – live. BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY! It will get easier. I know there’s probably many of you reading this thinking ‘yes if only it was that easy’. Or maybe you have tried all the above and still can’t let go. And that’s Ok - You got burnt. Bad.
But as cliché as it sounds, you can’t have the rainbow without the rain. Would you rather have loved and lost than to never know what it felt like to love and be loved in return?
I STILL CAN’T LET GO
Remember, you’re in control of you. OK, OK – here is a sneaky psychology trick to help. You are in charge of your thoughts and with that, you can control your reality.
STEP 1
Challenge your schemas (sorry about the jargon, schemas are mental representations you create based on information provided by life experience then stored in your memory).
All the things they may have done to upset you, intentional or not, tie it up in parcel in your memory. That’s one schema. Throw it away. It happened. It hurt. It left you with a scar, but you grew from it.
STEP 2
Now, think of all the good memories, the innocence, the smiles, the laughter, the belonging, the friendship…don’t tie that up. Scatter them in a mental scrapbook with bright vibrant stick it notes, like little reminders of the fun.
When you think of them, when you hear their name, when a song comes on that reminds you of them, look back at your mental scrapbook of all the great memories and smile. Never ever regret something that once made you smile.
You can’t just wake up one morning and not love someone anymore – and if you can it wasn’t love. Acknowledge and give yourself permission to admit you loved them, you will always love them but you’re no longer in love with them.
Radiate positive energy, be grateful for your time with them and hope wherever they are they are happy, just as you deserve to be happy, and finally let them go.