Letting Go and Dealing with Breakups
Letting Go by Life Above Zero
The Breakup - Letting Go 101
““That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” ”
YOU’LL BE IN PAIN
Yes, it hurts. Unfortunately, pain does not discriminate. It affects us all: the elderly, children, men, women, the rich and the poor. Every race in every country, in every town or city or village is subject to pain.
The pain of stubbing a toe, the pain of a broken bone or a split lip. Then there is a different kind of pain, which is not tangible, not as obvious to others as a sling or bruise.
BIG GIRLS CRY
Girls get it over and done with. Generally, we accept that the fairer sex, women, tend to talk about when they’re in emotional pain. Women cry and talk and cry some more and analyse their break up from every angle so it can be resolved.
Research has identified that women do fall in love faster; ironically they also get over relationships faster than their male counterparts.
…BOYS CRY TOO?!
Sorry guys, you suck at moving on. Men, at the end of a relationship tend to (on average, according to research - apologies for the generalisation to those emotionally intelligent blokes reading) revert to wearing a façade. Men will say they’re OK, and genuinely believe that for some time.
They will distract themselves with anything they can get their hands on - mates, alcohol, sport, gym, work and casual sex for a few months. This is partly why the suicide rate is higher amongst men, but that is a discussion for another day.
Eventually, when their façade begins to weaken, their pain creeps up and surprises them. Finding themselves being faced with a failed relationship will push a man to one of two conclusions.
Man realises he really is happier without Sally. He goes about his business and meets Jill.
Man realises he really isn’t ok. He realises he’s made a mistake and usually by this time Sally has moved on and is now dating Jack.
WELCOME TO THE CLUB
Failed relationships - we all have them. Gen Y, we’ve come up with a brilliant foolproof plan for moving on (excuse the sarcasm);
You explained to them how you felt and the need for the clean break - because we are all mature adults who can handle talking about emotions right?
You cut them out of your life - let’s be honest, you blocked them on Facebook but are using your best friends account to keep an eye on them.
You are moving forward with your life… well you’re trying to and are hoping that whoever you’ve left behind is seeing all your fabulous Instagram posts about how well you’re doing without them.
JUST STOP…
What you’re doing is not working. These are all appropriate and relevant steps and congratulations for being decisive enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. However, as much as I would like to tell you you are on your way….I am sorry to say you are not. The crazy Facebook stalking and forced smile in your Instagram selfie isn’t fooling anyone, including yourself.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
The “…but’s”, “…what if’s” & “…I should have’s” are making you crazy. It’s a slow process, but you will get there. Firstly, we need to explore your thinking. The reason people have trouble letting go of relationships are usually the huge questions of ‘WHY’ and ‘WHAT IF’. Generally there is still resentment or disbelief as to how one party fell short of the others expectations, or because there is unfinished business. This can have very negative effects on your mindset and wellbeing.
RESENTMENT.
Let it go. As the famous Nelson Mandala states “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”, wasting energy hating another person is not doing you any favours.
If they did something to hurt you why are you the one who is being punished feeling all this hate? If they haven’t been bothered enough to address and solve the situation, you allowing them to consume your energy is having no affect on them.
You lie awake thinking of your situation. They are sleeping just fine. The only thing you are doing is closing yourself off from all the gifts the universe is trying to give to you, if only you were present. Allow your past to make you better, not bitter.
EXPECTATIONS.
Expect things only of yourself, that way you cannot be disappointed. A wise woman (my beautiful mother) once told me not to place my own expectations onto someone else. The old saying ‘treating others how you would like to be treated’ still stands during the break down of a relationship. I know you don’t want to, but give your best anyway.
Unfortunately there are no rules or textbook dictating each role in a relationship and there certainly aren’t any rules during the ending of a relationship. You have to just learn and move forward. At least next time you’ll allocate your energies accordingly.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
It’s tough to believe, but generally a break up affects both of you. Try to be mindful of how the other person feels, just because things have ended between you does not make them a bad person.
Maybe they were brought up with different family values, maybe their culture doesn’t hold the same beliefs or meaning, maybe they have been hurt before and you are just witnessing their carefully critiqued coping mechanism.
YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN
There is probably nothing more you can do to fix the situation. All you can do is acknowledge you did all you were willing to at the time; you were the best person you could be. Simply understand it happened and dwelling on it, re-living it, ruminating on every little detail won’t change anything.
You only prevent yourself from closing a chapter and getting closer to your happy-ever-after. So let go of the negative energy. Let go of the hate. Let go of the heavy burden. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do.
BUT WHAT IF I HAD…?
You’ve done all you can. So, the unfinished business…the “what if?” What if what? This is one I hear over and over again. Insert your excuse: timing, priorities, work, travelling, etc.
If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, if you both truly wanted it you would both be fighting for it, now! So write down every reason you’re telling yourself is the excuse for the prolonged clean break.
Once you have written them all down – imagine each of those excuses being as you want them to be. How do you feel now? I am confident you still won’t feel ready to commit.
That’s because; yes you like them, you like the comfort you find in them - its not enough. Be honest to yourself – you like them, or maybe they like you, but not enough.
THE CHAPTER IS OVER.
Closure. It’s something so many women yearn for and I swear so many men would benefit from were it socially acceptable for men to talk about feelings (we are closer than any other generation when it comes to men and their feelings - Gen Y give yourself a pat on the back).
This is such a powerful step for moving forward. You need to have already sat and made peace with your thoughts and acknowledged your feelings. Once you have explored your feelings – I am sure you will have some questions.
Why did they hurt me? Did I do something wrong? Did they not understand me?
After the chaos has cleared, and you can muster up the courage to talk to the other party without your heart dropping to your stomach or breaking down into tears –ask them those questions.
Ask for some honest feedback. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them. There is no such thing as failure in life, just lessons – and that includes relationships too.
Learn from past mistakes – grow – love – live. BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY! It will get easier. I know there’s probably many of you reading this thinking ‘yes if only it was that easy’. Or maybe you have tried all the above and still can’t let go. And that’s Ok - You got burnt. Bad.
But as cliché as it sounds, you can’t have the rainbow without the rain. Would you rather have loved and lost than to never know what it felt like to love and be loved in return?
I STILL CAN’T LET GO
Remember, you’re in control of you. OK, OK – here is a sneaky psychology trick to help. You are in charge of your thoughts and with that, you can control your reality.
STEP 1
Challenge your schemas (sorry about the jargon, schemas are mental representations you create based on information provided by life experience then stored in your memory).
All the things they may have done to upset you, intentional or not, tie it up in parcel in your memory. That’s one schema. Throw it away. It happened. It hurt. It left you with a scar, but you grew from it.
STEP 2
Now, think of all the good memories, the innocence, the smiles, the laughter, the belonging, the friendship…don’t tie that up. Scatter them in a mental scrapbook with bright vibrant stick it notes, like little reminders of the fun.
When you think of them, when you hear their name, when a song comes on that reminds you of them, look back at your mental scrapbook of all the great memories and smile. Never ever regret something that once made you smile.
You can’t just wake up one morning and not love someone anymore – and if you can it wasn’t love. Acknowledge and give yourself permission to admit you loved them, you will always love them but you’re no longer in love with them.
Radiate positive energy, be grateful for your time with them and hope wherever they are they are happy, just as you deserve to be happy, and finally let them go.
