Its OK to not be OK - Pain is Normal
““My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise, like a permanent vacation. We’re all just out here, sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, catching waves. Are they insane? Do they think we are immune to life? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our cancers less fatal, our heartache less painful?”
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I love to read widely to strengthen my practice and keep it up to date with the latest research. I am a firm believer in walking my talk, I encourage my clients to always be learning and growing - so consequently here are some of my teachings based on Russ Harris's book 'The Happiness Trap'. If you would like to read more and gain a better understanding behind the psychological practice behind this theory I encourage you to have a read yourself.
SSHH… I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET.
What if I was to tell you, that almost everything you believed about finding happiness turned out to be inaccurate, misleading or false?
There is a growing body of scientific research that suggests we are all caught in a powerful psychological trap, a vicious cycle in which the more we try to find happiness the more we suffer.
Friends posting on instagram what their partner did for them, magazines feeding us what we have to look like to be desirable, TV advertisements manipulating us to believe we need to own materialistic objects to be happy, government policies forcing us to conform to a lifestyle and belief that we need to ‘work’ 5 days a week – 260 days a year to deserve a couple of weeks break, society selling us the concept of having a career, your own home and settling down with kids of your own is the epitome of happiness…why is it then we have an increasing amount of middle aged – middle class women suffering from depression and anxiety?
They have followed the recipe book for a fulfilled and happy life to the T – then found themselves full of despair and confusion when they don’t feel as ecstatic as they were told they would be – did I pour in ¾ cup too much of having fun?
BUT… I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY
In the Western world we now have a higher standard of living than humans have ever known before.
We have better medical treatment, better housing conditions, better sanitation, more money, more welfare services, and more access to education, justice, travel, entertainment, and career opportunities. Today’s middle class live better than the royalty did not so long ago. And yet humans today don’t seem very happy.
OH YEAH, SAYS WHO?
Research says. The statistics speak for themselves;
In any given year almost 30% of the adult population will suffer from a recognised psychological disorder.
The World Health Organization estimates that depression is currently the fourth biggest, costliest, and most debilitating disease in the world and by the year 2020, it will be the second biggest. In any given week, one tenth of the adult population is suffering from clinical depression, and one in five will suffer from it at some point in their life-time.
But even more startling is the fact that almost one in two people will go through a stage in life when they seriously consider suicide and will struggle with it for a period of two weeks or more. Scarier still, one in ten people will at some point actually attempt to kill themselves….
I’ll give you a moment for those numbers to resonate with you…
Think of your friends, your family, your co-workers, the random masses of people walking around your local shopping center…almost half of them will at some point be so overwhelmed by misery that they seriously contemplate suicide. One in ten will actually go on to attempt it.
It becomes obvious, lasting, ever flowing happiness is not normal!
BUT WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS BE HAPPY?
Let me take you on a brief psychology lesson exploring evolutionary theory.
Today, our modern human minds have evolved with amazing abilities to analyse, plan, create and communicate. This evolutionary process has taken a long time – not like the agonizing week long wait for the next episode of orange is the new black to come out- more like a hundred thousand years (no exaggeration).
First on the planet – were these bad ass homo sapiens. They were equipped with minds to help them survive in a world full of danger. They weren’t lazing around telling jokes with ‘bae’ or counting how many likes their last insta post got. They were only concerned with meeting their four essential needs to survive and reproduce; food, water, shelter and sex.
However none of these things mattered if you were dead. So the number one priority: look out for anything that might harm you – and avoid it. The smarter mind was able to avoid more bullies, which meant they were able to live longer, which meant they had more time to have jiggy jiggy and make babies.
SO…AS THE STORY GOES…
So with each generation the mind became increasingly more effective in predicting and avoiding danger.
And now, after one hundred thousand years of evolution, the modern mind is constantly on the lookout; is it dangerous? Harmful or helpful?
However these days we aren’t on the look out for saber-toothed tigers, instead its loosing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, getting cancer, embarrassing ourselves in public or a million other things. As a result we spend a lot of our time worrying about things that more often than not, never happen.
Another essential for the survival of any early human is to belong to a group. If your crew or squad booted you out, it wouldn’t be long until the wolves found you. So how does the mind protect you from rejection of the group?
By comparing yourself with others, both friends and foes to assess is your membership at threat; Am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing? Am I as good as the others?
SOUND FAMILIAR?
Our modern-day minds are continuously warning us of rejection and comparing us to the rest of society.
No wonder we spend so much energy worrying if other people will like us. No wonder we are always looking at ways to improve ourselves or putting ourselves down because we don’t ‘measure up’.
A hundred thousand years ago we only had a few members of our immediate tribe to compare ourselves to. But today, we only need to glance at a newspaper, a magazine, swipe down on our Facebook or instagram newsfeeds to instantly find a whole host of people who are skinnier, richer, sexier, more powerful, more famous or more successful than we are.
When we compare ourselves up against these glamorous media creations, we feel inferior or disappointed with our lives. To make matters worse, our minds are now so sophisticated they can conjure up a fantasy image of the person we would ideally like to be – and then we compare ourselves to that! What chance have we got? We will always end up feeling not good enough.
GET MORE. GET BETTER.
Now for any Stone Age Person with ambition, the general rule for success is; get more and get better.
The better the weapons, the more food you can kill. The larger your foods stores, the greater your chances for survival in times of scarcity. The better your shelter, the safer you are from wild weather and animals, the more children you have, the greater chance that some will survive into adulthood.
No surprise, our evolved mind also carried this strategy forward, we today are still lead to believe “more and better”, more money, a better job, more status, a better body, more love, a better partner.
And if we succeed, if we do get more money, or a better car, or a bigger house or buy a bigger set of tits, then we are satisfied – for a while. But sooner or later (and usually sooner), we end up wanting more.
Thus evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, criticize ourselves and others, to focus on what we are lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder we find it hard to always be happy.
WHAT IS HAPPINESS?
We all want it. We all crave it. We all strive for it. Even the Dalai Lama has said “The very purpose of life is to seek happiness.”
But what exactly is it? The word happiness has two different meanings. The common meaning of the word is “feeling good”. In other words, feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness or gratification – a state. We all enjoy these feelings, so it’s no surprise that we chase them.
However, like any human emotion, feelings of happiness don’t last. No matter how hard we try to hold onto them, they slip away every time. And a life spent in pursuit of happiness is, in the long term deeply unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
The other far less common meaning of happiness is “living a rich, full and meaningful life”. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich, full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality.
This is not some fleeting feeling – it is a mindset that appreciates and understands a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as fear, sadness, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions…happiness being among them.
I STILL DON’T GET IT…IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY?
Of course we all enjoy feeling good, and we should certainly make the most of the pleasant feelings when they appear. But if we try to have them all the time, we are doomed to fail.
The reality is, life involves pain. There is no getting away from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we will grow frail, get sick and die. Sooner or later we all will loose valued relationships through rejection, separation or death. Sooner or later we will all come to face with crises, disappointment and failure. This means that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts and feelings.
SO YOU MEAN TO BE TRULY HAPPY I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY?
More or less, yes. By truly understanding that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
The good news is that although we cant avoid such pain we can learn to handle it much better – to make room for it, reduce its impact, and create a life worth living despite it.
The sad thing is for so long society has told us something different. From a young age we are taught we should be able to control our feelings. When you were young I am sure you heard a number of expressions like “don’t cry”, “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “there’s nothing to be afraid of”, “stop being a sook”…
With phrases such as these, the adults around us are sending the message again and again that we ought to be able to control our feelings.
But what was going on behind their closed doors?
They may have been drinking too much, having an affair, throwing themselves into work, suffering in silence whilst slowly developing stomach ulcers. Whatever method they used to cope, I bet they probably didn’t share those experiences with you.
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT OF HEARD OF BEFORE….ITS CALLED SADNESS AND YES, IT IS NORMAL.
On those rare occasions when you did get to witness their loss of control, I am betting they never explained to you “okay, these tears are because I am feeling something called sadness. It’s a normal feeling, and you can learn to handle it effectively”. But then, that’s not too surprising, they couldn’t show you how to handle your emotions because they didn’t know how to handle theirs.
The idea that you should be able to control your feelings was undoubtedly reinforced in your school years. Do you recall kids who cried at school being teased for being “crybabies”, or “sissies” – especially if they were boys?
Then, as you grew older, you probably heard phrases (or even used them yourself) such as “get over it”, “snap out of it”, “shit happens”, “move on”, “chill out” and so on. These phrases imply that you should be able to turn your feelings on and off at will, like flicking a switch.
BUT EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS HAPPY
And why is this myth so compelling? Because people around us seem, on the surface, to be happy.
They seem to be in control of their thoughts and feelings, they always post happy photos on their instagram and facebook. But seem is the key word here. The fact is most people are not open or honest about the struggle they go through with their own thoughts and feelings.
Too many people are feeling guilty for not being happy. The secret to happiness is not always being happy, but understanding the concept of happiness by practicing mindfulness – allowing your perspective to be challenged.
Everyone’s pain deserves to be validated – we all have permission to be upset.
It is OK to not be OK. We are all human, it is part of our evolved design… and it is not weak to speak about it, as I highlighted the statistics earlier – you are definitely not alone and there are services that can help if sadness is hanging around for prolonged periods.
The organisation LIVIN is a great place to start – gaining momentum in breaking down mental health stigma’s around the globe. You can click on their website if you would also like some referrals to further support services.
LIFE IS ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR MINDSET.
1. Don’t be manipulated by status, fashion or money. Don’t allow society to dictate to you what should make you happy.
2. Practice self-awareness and mindfulness. Are you aware of what makes you happy? Be motivated by your values, live your life in accordance to what is important to you.
3. Acknowledge when you’re not feeling OK. Accept it. Allow it. Try to change the way you think about it. Did you learn something? Did you grow? Did it make you happy at the time? Did it allow you the opportunity to reassess your values? Did it give you the opportunity to have a good old-fashioned cry, devour a tub of cookie dough ice-cream and let it all out?
It is OK, to not be OK.
