Setting Goals that last the WHOLE New Year!
Setting Goals for the Year
Setting your goals and intentions for the New Year is not only an exercise to help you achieve success, but also allows you the time to reflect on how far you have come, the opportunity to ask yourself where it is you are going, where it is you want to be and ultimately – who do you want to be?
I know this time of the year can get vey hectic and it is a struggle to find some quiet time alone to set your goals. I’ll admit I am currently sitting on a plane on my way to the UK and it is the first opportunity I have had to sit, reflect, write and set my own goals.
Goals are Dreams with Legs
I am a big fan and advocate of goal setting. If I was to show you my goals and dreams I wrote down since finishing high school – it is as if I was telling or forecasting my future! Everything I wanted the universe has delivered!
I would love to think I was responsible for making these dreams come true – but I know setting those goals were essential in getting me to where I wanted. Goals provide you with direction and purpose. If you know what you want, what you are working towards and what is important to you – this can help guide you in every decision you make, provide clarity when you find yourself at a crossroad and empower you with motivation and direction when you find yourself lost.
Tips to making and sticking to New Years Resolutions
I am always writing blogs and sharing tips challenging your mindset and perspective, so you are able to become aware of your own values and desires, make sense of your own thoughts and get to know the real “authentic” you.
Now I want you to commit to honoring the real “authentic” you, with Nutritional and Health Coach Chani Carroso’s (some may know this amazing lady as ‘Healthy Peach’) simple goal setting activity that will start your New Year off with a Bang and will make sure it is filled with everything that makes your heart full!
Before you start, remember it’s about you
You need to ignore what everyone else is doing and achieving – Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life. You are not in competition with anyone else – plan to out do your past not other people.
The first thing you will need to do is get yourself in the right head space. Find a big chunk out of one of the coming days before NYE to sit down and inspire yourself. Depending on what floats your boat, you may like to sit on the beach with a pen and notebook, or sit down on the couch with a yummy candle burning, or maybe in bed wrapped in donnas and pillows with your 2015 playlist playing in your headphones (For Chani she wrote this as she sat on her bed, in a pillow castle, fave candle burning, Chet Faker singing to her through her Bose and hair sandy, wet & salty from her morning ocean swim).
The fun part.
Writing down your wildest ideas. Section each page into the following:
Things you want to do
Who you want to be
What you want to see
What you want to have
What you want to learn and experience
Your one ultimate, main goal (Chani call’s it the biggie big)...
The one thing you're chasing in life. The thing you go to sleep dreaming about and wake up thinking about. Let your imagination run wild. If you have a blank spot, go to the next section/page and come back to where you got stuck later.
It will come to you. You need to have at least 3 blank moments before you have squeezed all the goal chaser juice out of you to have all of your wildest ideas on paper.
Now for each section, ask yourself the following questions:
Is it really my goal?
Is it morally right and fair to all who are concerned?
Can I emotionally commit to start and finish this goal?
Can I see myself reaching this goal?
Will it take me closer to my ultimate main goal (your ‘biggie big’)?
If you answered No to any of these questions, don't erase the goal, just strike a line through it and come back to it the next time you do this activity. It may not be the right time in your life for you to pursue it.
Go through and give each goal a date you want to achieve it by. Depending on how often you do this, you will have different dates for each goal, divide them into 3 month, 6 month, 1 year, 2 years and 5 year goals.
Ensure they are given a realistic time frame and work towards reaching that goal in time. You will probably find that all your little goals become the steps and journey you need to embark on to reach your biggie big. So order them perfectly and write your own future on paper.
SMART GOAL SETTING
This step is the last but the most crucial. You have to go through everything you've just written and use the S.M.A.R.T. formula. Work through one goal at a time, and take them through this process.
Your goals have to be ‘SMART’, which means: Specific , Measurable , Achievable, Results based and Time based
SPECIFIC
Be specific, cross all your t’s and dot all your i’s so to speak.
Example: “I want to buy my first home. Not an apartment, not a duplex, not a townhouse or in home in an estate, but a home with a yard in a central location close to my work.”
MEASURABLE
The best way to do this is to break it down into smaller achievable goals.
Example: “I will aim to have a deposit in 18 months time. I’ve worked out I need to save 15% of my earnings to achieve this. I will budget each pay, and begin a ‘do not touch savings account’ no exceptions and I WILL NOT touch this account until I'm ready to withdraw my deposit.
I will stop online shopping to help me get here and to attempt to erase this genetic inbuilt habit of shopping, I will unsubscribe from boutique emails and delete the eBay app off my phone. Anything I have left over at the end of my pay cycle will go into my ‘do not touch savings account’.”
ACHIEVABLE
Your goals should challenge and stretch you a little, to make you work harder but make sure they are realistic.
Example of what NOT to write: “I will play the lotto once a week and enter a prize home draw every month to increase my chances of getting my first home.” This type of thinking will just putting a bad seed in your head. Abort! Earn your goals, don't bet your luck on trying to win them!
RESULTS BASED
If you have a goal that you’re a little iffy on, one that is hard, or will be hard to achieve (you went through 3 blank spots, its only natural to give yourself more then one biggie big), write down the obstacles and the benefits of eventually overcoming them, and achieving this goal.
Example: “I will probably miss out on a few expensive and fun outings with friends such as holidays and weekend get aways, but when I have 2/3 of my house deposit, I can start the fun part… shopping for houses, going to open homes and getting some inspo for my new home”
TIME BASED
Remember what it felt like the night before an exam, five coffee’s deep and cramming as if Dumbledore was going to give you a lifetime access pass to Hogwarts the next day if you got all the questions right?
Well same thing, give yourself a sense of urgency and a good timeframe. Anyone can save for a house deposit in 2 or 3 years time, but why not make it sooner. This will make you FOCUS on your biggie big and help you stay on track. Make your dreams real as soon as possible!
Thanks to Chani this fun little planning and goal setting activity will have you feeling inspired, motivated and focused - just in time for the New Year. It works by attracting those things in life you want to become a reality, helping those wildest ideas you thought never possible, an absolute reality. Be sure to check out Chani’s Website for more health and nutrition inspiration www.healthypeach.net.
TIPS
Use this activity to also reflect…
reflect on your year, what did you learn, what made you happy, what worked, what will you do differently next year. Remember there is no such thing as failure – only feedback. This strategy and way of thinking will help you in strengthening and practicing your mindfulness and gratitude.
A balanced life is reflective of balanced goals.
When you are setting your goals make sure they are reflective of your values. An easy way to ensure this is by listing your 5 top values, aspects of your life you prioritise over others - they don’t need to be in order.For Example; Health, Happiness, Family, Career, Finances.
If you're not sure what your top 5 values are... do this quick 5 min quizz and it will help work it out for you.
Then for each value make sure you have a corresponding goal – whether it be a big change or maintaining your current efforts. This ensures that one goal does not consume all your energy in the new year causing you to neglect other areas of life that are also important to you. This way you now have have a written commitment to hold yourself accountable to in the new year; to approach your life with a holistic and mindful approach.
Wishing you all a safe and Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with health and happiness, and a big THANKYOU to my friends, family and followers (old and new) for the support getting Life Above Zero off the ground.
I can’t wait to see what we all can achieve in 2015 and who I get to help on their journey. I’m excited! See you the first week back in January!
Sending Love and Light
Food for thought - Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul
It is the season to be Jolly
So it is getting to that time of the year, work parties, Christmas parties, New Year getaways, it is the season to be jolly! Every weekend seems to be filled with reasons to celebrate with yummy food, great drinks and even better company (and with good reason we should be celebrating - we made it, another year of health, happiness and lessons). Me personally, I am a sucker for a cheese platter and a Tia Maria with Coke! But…it hasn’t always been like that.
Is it worth the calories?
The old me (well in one of my phases of learning) the thought of having to test myself and my diet would cause me anxiety. I would very carefully way up if I had the will power to attend these events and not indulge or if it would be easier for me just to miss it altogether. I would count calories, I would punish myself with an extra long run. I would tell myself I didn't deserve dinner that night. Tragic I know, but I am confident when I say, I know I am not alone.
Maybe its Maybelline, or maybe it is a filter?
Being a girl in general, historically in the western culture we have been valued for our cosmetic make up. I know! I know! We have come a long way - women and men have both fought for women’s rights, now being more widely accepted and valued for our minds, our nature and our being.
However this is even complicated again by the massive presence of social media. I have read a lot of arguments from both sides advocating for and against the pressure of social media on women’s self-esteems, and they both have very good points - social media can manipulate and taunt your ego but only if you allow it.
We all know better, on our best days...
It takes a strong willed, confident, wise and content woman to consciously resist the influence and temptation to compare themself to the photo shopped and filtered images of the ideal woman which seem to be plastered everywhere these days; TV, movies, magazine, Facebook, instagram, billboards etc.
But who are these confident invincible women? Sure, we are all her on our best days, we know and acknowledge that photo was probably her 50th attempt of sucking in, pocking her ass out and playing with the filter effects.
But, we all have days where we feel inadequate, where we feel we fall short and we buy into the comparison game (even that girl you are comparing yourself to) - and that is OK, it has a lot to do with the evolution of our psyche (which is explained in an earlier blog ‘it’s OK to not be OK’).
I have been there...
Not only am I a girl in the 21st century who has Instagram and Facebook to turn to for regular reminders of all the amazingly beautiful women out there, I am also a dancer, who out of all places - lives on the Gold Coast. I have been in the industry where I have been told I was too big.
I have been told before if I wanted to be given any more work - I would need to loose weight. I have been surrounded by the culture of girls experimenting with laxatives, prescription drugs such as duromine, and discussions of the easiest ways to bring your food back up.
Surrounded by the lifestyle of weighing food portions and strict routines of eat, gym, sleep, repeat. I am a big advocate for a healthy lifestyle - but not when it consumes you.
It is a poisonous mindset I felt the more I focused on weight, the harder it was to loose it (in hindsight I wish I knew about the effect women's hormones and contraception can have on weight - punishing myself for something that was outside of my control did not help). I hated the gym but did it because I thought that is what I needed to do.
I ate a bland boring diet. I would get jealous of girls eating whatever they wanted because I knew I couldn’t do that without experiencing a heavy weight of guilt. I deliberately committed to three jobs as well as uni so it wasn’t even possible for me to attend these social events and be tempted by unhealthy choices. It was a poisonous mindset that dominated every second of every day and dictated every decision I made.
I was lucky, I realised early and chose to make changes that I deserved...
I was lucky, this mindset didn’t stick around for long. The fact that I could recall a time of my life that I didn’t think like that was enough motivation for me to make some changes. Part of me felt that my thinking habits were instinctual - normal - like every girl thought like that, but slowly I came to the realisation I was very wrong - there is so much more to life than continuously monitoring my intake and experiencing waves of guilt.
Food is your friend Now, I am not opening myself up for fire; I understand these symptoms I described earlier probably was the early onset of an eating disorder, and those who do suffer such unfortunate diseases can’t be magically cured by reading this blog, they need the long term support of a mental health practitioner.
I am not naive and I also understand this is not an issue that affects solely women. I acknowledge I am no diet or nutrition expert - however I do know about psychology, challenging and changing perspective in order to experience gratitude and mindfulness - a healthy relationship with food and exercise.
Food should be your friend! Eating something yummy literally makes you happy by releasing endorphins. Our culture like so many others, is built around sharing food, drinks and laughter with friends and family. We need food to fuel our body – it’s imperial that you are able to build a healthy relationship with food not only for you happiness, but your survival!
7 Tips on building a healthy relationship with food and exercise.
1. Eat to fuel your mind, body and soul.
Firstly, a conscious effort to incorporate healthy nutritional meals in your diet and limit junk food is great. However how many of you have started diets? Finished diets? Then gone back to your previous way of eating? I am guessing most of you.
This can be fixed by changing your mindset. Don’t limit yourself to a “diet”, don’t deny yourselves food that literally makes you happy! Skip the diet, just eat healthy! Eat cookie dough when your heart wants it, and kale salad when you’re body needs it. A balanced healthy diet – everything in moderation. Trust me, your mind, body and soul will thank you.
2. Be mindful.
When you are eating, make sure you enjoy each mouthful, savor the taste. Sure when you are having your favourite ice cream, you go right ahead and demolish it! You Go Glen Coco You Go! We aren’t superheroes, everyone has their kryptonite. But, try to get in a habit of paying attention to your body.
Sit down at a table to eat, rather than eating on the go or while watching TV. Be aware of how your body is feeling, are you full? Have a glass of water, leave it for 10 minutes and give your brain time for your body’s messages to register before you go for seconds (those left overs could be your free lunch tomorrow). Let your body guide you.
3. Be grateful for what you have before you loose it.
Like the relationship you had with your parents before they past away, or a past friendship or lover lost - don’t wait until it’s too late before you realise what you have. Do you recall a time where you had even a cold or flu and you told yourself you would do anything to be healthy again? Well use that same mindset with your body. You only have one, take care of it.
Don’t exercise to loose weight, don’t exercise to get that bikini body, exercise to clear your head, exercise to release endorphins, exercise to prevent cardiovascular disease, exercise to prevent diabetes, exercise to delay the onset of alzheimer’s. Exercise is not punishment - it is a gift. There is someone somewhere who lives their life in a wheel chair and would give anything to go for a run - don’t take your ability for granted.
4. If you don’t like it, don’t do it!
There is no use forcing yourself to go for a run if you hate every minute of it. Likewise there is no point in dragging yourself to the gym if you don’t enjoy yourself! It is so much easier to lead a healthy and active lifestyle when you are honest to yourself and play to your strengths. What do you like? You hate exercise and find it easier to feed your competitive side - get involved in a team sport.
You enjoy the energy and support of a gym - go and pump some weights. You enjoy the peace and solitude that comes with a morning walk - well put your runners on and enjoy ‘your time’. Remember why you are doing it. No-one is forcing you to exercise - you are doing it because some part of it aligns with your values. You are doing this because you want to, you are doing this for you!
5. Be kind to yourself, you are human.
As I spoke earlier in regards to the mindset of ‘diets’. You are setting yourself up to be punished. You are setting some distinct rules on what you can and can’t do, and no-one likes being told what to do! Rules are made to be broken, and as humans it is in our nature to do exactly that – otherwise there wouldn’t be prisons, divorce, school detentions or time out in the naughty corner!
So after you have demolished that whole tub of cookie-dough ice-cream, don’t beat yourself up and send your self off on a guilt trip (I am sure the belly ache will be punishment enough in itself)…instead, acknowledge ‘that was naughty…oh but so worth it’ and maybe wait until the next weekend before you go do it again, that way it still has the novelty of being a treat.
6. Pick your friends wisely.
Choose your friendship, leisure, sporting and work groups carefully. You have control over what circle you choose to stay in, so make sure you are choosing contexts that support and encourage you to be the best version of you. I am not sure if it is just a stereotype on the Gold Coast, or if it is the impression the rest of Australia also has on the people that live here, but I often hear “The Gold Coast is so pretentious - people here are so fake”.
Yes, l admit I understand how some people may have that perception, but that is a result of the environment they are in and the people they are choosing to mingle with. I love dancing, but due to the context that surrounded me for a while I lost my passion for it. I consciously decided to leave that environment, as I very well knew you become a product of your environment, and the values that were surrounding me no longer reflected ones I stood for.
Yes the Gold Coast has the best nightlife, but it also has the most beautiful beaches and rainforests. If you don’t want to spend every weekend following your friend’s unhealthy drinking habits, look for friends in different circles, put on your runners and go for a hike, go stand up paddle boarding. Fill your friendship circles with healthy influences, people who pick you up, motivate you, remind you of your worth and support your mind, body and soul.
7. Lead by example.
Women, we are our biggest critics. It is very rare that you hear a man putting a woman down for her weight, eating or exercise habits. We are the ones (majority of the time) making a snide remark “have you seen her in real life? She is fat”, “she’s skinny fat, she’s not toned”, “she would have the perfect body if she had an ass”…etc…the list goes on. Have you heard the quote “girls compete with each other, women empower one another?”.
Once again I don’t agree with insulting a woman’s maturity, but it is true to a certain extent. With experience, wisdom and self-love women do realise competing with some one is just playing to your insecurities. You are beautiful. Every woman is beautiful, and this is because our bodies look different, our minds think different and our souls yearn for different things.
So to help other women, and to do your part in changing women’s mindsets, every once in a while upload a photo of yourself or you girlfriends without a filter or any edits. Lead by example, show other women it is OK to be you, the real authentic you (freckles, stretchmark’s and all)!
When you hear another woman critiquing/commenting on another’s body, I don’t advise you attack her or even instigate a heated debate, what about just commenting on something you love about her rather than joining in on the slamming. Demonstrate to other women what supporting women looks like, so they can learn to do the same.
Lead by example, hopefully with enough leaders leading the self-love movement and consciously resisting the urge to feed the ego and instead choosing to feed their mind, body and soul, others will be encouraged and taught to do the same.
There is no such thing as an un-resourceful person, only an un-resourceful mind.
Working in Child Protection
I definitely have struggles with my world view, my expectations of myself and others, and my understanding of humanity. Each day (as most people do) I learn from experience and self-reflection. There are big discrepancies between what I know, what I have personally experienced and what I see and hear.
A lot of people have the perception to be a Life Coach you have to have gone through something pretty traumatic to be able to motivate others on how to overcome triumph and achieve success.
Sorry no sob story here.
I am not going to lie to you. That’s one of my strengths as a Life Coach and as a Child Safety Officer – I am transparent. I come from a pretty normal upbringing – however I can vouch that all my successes I have achieved on my own, nothing was handed to me, I do know the value of hard work and independence…well at least that is what I used to say to myself.
I have done a lot, seen a lot and know a lot for my age. I used to take pride in the fact I did it on my own. However since working in Child Protection I have come to realise something different.
My Story.
My Mum and Dad never gave me a cent. I got a job at 13 (with a letter of consent from my parents that I could work under the legal age of 14 and 9 months). I bought my first car by myself, studied hard and sat my HSC.
I was the first person in my family to be accepted into university let alone even apply. I gained a scholarship for university. I moved 14 hours away from everyone and everything I had ever known at 18. I worked 4 jobs. I wasn’t eligible for centrelink so I paid my own bills.
I studied hard, gaining myself another scholarship, which enabled me to study overseas and travel. I finished my degree and got into Honours, which lead me to a Graduate position working in QLD Government Child Protection.
What I have learnt from working in child protection.
As I tried to shorten my life story earlier in attempt to explain, I am not a stranger to hard work. But working with families in Child Protection – I have come to realise I didn’t do it by myself. Yes, I looked those scary dreams in the eye and went in for battle, however I was never alone.
I have always had the support of a loving mum, dad and two younger brothers. A nuclear family in itself is a gift – so many today come from broken families and homes. From a young age I was encouraged I could be who ever I wanted to be, I could go wherever I wanted to go, I could achieve whatever I could dream (to their dismay I don’t think they anticipated I would have been chasing those dreams so fast).
In this world there are a lot of things that are out of our control, but our actions aren’t one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t sheltered, but I definitely survived unscathed. Like all kids I battled the schoolyard daemons, having buckteeth in primary school didn’t make it easy to avoid the bullies.
But I think it’s from those experiences I learnt young that people’s actions and words weren’t a reflection of who I was. It didn’t make a difference how pure my intentions were or how nice I was – they were going to act like that regardless. I had no control over it – it was a reflection of their reality – all I could do was have control over my actions. This is a lesson I still try to teach in my practice today;
““People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.””
Despite being fearful of catching the school bus with these bullies – I chose to put my head down at school and after 3pm I would invest myself in a different area and a different group of friends.
This lead me to true friendships and what became my outlet for years – dancing. From here I kept building on my perspective of the world, becoming more accepting, positive and at peace with my place in it.
I had the self-confidence instilled from family. I had a sense of autonomy and mastery having had been given the space and opportunities by my parents to grow and test myself – I knew my self-worth because I had never been treated badly by a loved one (let me note I wasn’t dating yet, those heartbreaks were yet to come!).
You are not your past.
I am not saying, that you need to come from a loving childhood to achieve success. I am not saying for your future to be bright you can’t have scars from the past and I definitely do not believe your past defines you, otherwise I would not be working in the area I am.
I am saying – understanding the effect of having a loving child hood or having support or the lack of, from family can assist in comprehending why some are having trouble achieving the same goals as others later in life, or living to different social standards or holding different values.
For one a goal may be to expand on their investment portfolio, to another it might just be to be able to look in the mirror and not hate the person they see, it might be to last a whole week sober, to be able to understand why they self- sabotage every relationship they enter, or to understand why their parents struggle to show them love.
Behaviours are reflections of beliefs.
A lot of people’s pasts and upbringings affect the thoughts, beliefs and values they have. The unhelpful ones in particular – self-limiting beliefs - are the ones that cause the most disruptive behaviours and resistance.
But the good news is, that’s all they are; beliefs. They are not your reality. They can be challenged and changed. For outsiders, you need to understand behaviours are reflections of people’s beliefs.
If someone is not respecting their bodies, their health or is allowing others to treat them badly –they need someone to remind them of their self-worth, encourage them to believe in themselves.
People are not their behaviours.
Accept people. Assist them in changing their beliefs in order to change their behaviour. I get asked a lot how I work in child protection and that is my secret; I whole-heartedly accept every one of my clients. I don’t judge them, I hear their story.
I get told I am naïve. Even in the area of work I am in, I see the best in people. I strongly believe that there is no such thing as an un-resourceful person, just an un-resourceful mind. People do the best they can, with the knowledge and resources they have available at that given time.
You can’t expect a bird, who has been caged for it’s whole life – to one day when the gate is left open to fly free and survive. But I assure you, slowly with support and encouragement it might.
We all need a little support and a little understanding.
Its OK to not be OK - Pain is Normal
““My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise, like a permanent vacation. We’re all just out here, sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, catching waves. Are they insane? Do they think we are immune to life? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our cancers less fatal, our heartache less painful?”
”
I love to read widely to strengthen my practice and keep it up to date with the latest research. I am a firm believer in walking my talk, I encourage my clients to always be learning and growing - so consequently here are some of my teachings based on Russ Harris's book 'The Happiness Trap'. If you would like to read more and gain a better understanding behind the psychological practice behind this theory I encourage you to have a read yourself.
SSHH… I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET.
What if I was to tell you, that almost everything you believed about finding happiness turned out to be inaccurate, misleading or false?
There is a growing body of scientific research that suggests we are all caught in a powerful psychological trap, a vicious cycle in which the more we try to find happiness the more we suffer.
Friends posting on instagram what their partner did for them, magazines feeding us what we have to look like to be desirable, TV advertisements manipulating us to believe we need to own materialistic objects to be happy, government policies forcing us to conform to a lifestyle and belief that we need to ‘work’ 5 days a week – 260 days a year to deserve a couple of weeks break, society selling us the concept of having a career, your own home and settling down with kids of your own is the epitome of happiness…why is it then we have an increasing amount of middle aged – middle class women suffering from depression and anxiety?
They have followed the recipe book for a fulfilled and happy life to the T – then found themselves full of despair and confusion when they don’t feel as ecstatic as they were told they would be – did I pour in ¾ cup too much of having fun?
BUT… I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY
In the Western world we now have a higher standard of living than humans have ever known before.
We have better medical treatment, better housing conditions, better sanitation, more money, more welfare services, and more access to education, justice, travel, entertainment, and career opportunities. Today’s middle class live better than the royalty did not so long ago. And yet humans today don’t seem very happy.
OH YEAH, SAYS WHO?
Research says. The statistics speak for themselves;
In any given year almost 30% of the adult population will suffer from a recognised psychological disorder.
The World Health Organization estimates that depression is currently the fourth biggest, costliest, and most debilitating disease in the world and by the year 2020, it will be the second biggest. In any given week, one tenth of the adult population is suffering from clinical depression, and one in five will suffer from it at some point in their life-time.
But even more startling is the fact that almost one in two people will go through a stage in life when they seriously consider suicide and will struggle with it for a period of two weeks or more. Scarier still, one in ten people will at some point actually attempt to kill themselves….
I’ll give you a moment for those numbers to resonate with you…
Think of your friends, your family, your co-workers, the random masses of people walking around your local shopping center…almost half of them will at some point be so overwhelmed by misery that they seriously contemplate suicide. One in ten will actually go on to attempt it.
It becomes obvious, lasting, ever flowing happiness is not normal!
BUT WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS BE HAPPY?
Let me take you on a brief psychology lesson exploring evolutionary theory.
Today, our modern human minds have evolved with amazing abilities to analyse, plan, create and communicate. This evolutionary process has taken a long time – not like the agonizing week long wait for the next episode of orange is the new black to come out- more like a hundred thousand years (no exaggeration).
First on the planet – were these bad ass homo sapiens. They were equipped with minds to help them survive in a world full of danger. They weren’t lazing around telling jokes with ‘bae’ or counting how many likes their last insta post got. They were only concerned with meeting their four essential needs to survive and reproduce; food, water, shelter and sex.
However none of these things mattered if you were dead. So the number one priority: look out for anything that might harm you – and avoid it. The smarter mind was able to avoid more bullies, which meant they were able to live longer, which meant they had more time to have jiggy jiggy and make babies.
SO…AS THE STORY GOES…
So with each generation the mind became increasingly more effective in predicting and avoiding danger.
And now, after one hundred thousand years of evolution, the modern mind is constantly on the lookout; is it dangerous? Harmful or helpful?
However these days we aren’t on the look out for saber-toothed tigers, instead its loosing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, getting cancer, embarrassing ourselves in public or a million other things. As a result we spend a lot of our time worrying about things that more often than not, never happen.
Another essential for the survival of any early human is to belong to a group. If your crew or squad booted you out, it wouldn’t be long until the wolves found you. So how does the mind protect you from rejection of the group?
By comparing yourself with others, both friends and foes to assess is your membership at threat; Am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing? Am I as good as the others?
SOUND FAMILIAR?
Our modern-day minds are continuously warning us of rejection and comparing us to the rest of society.
No wonder we spend so much energy worrying if other people will like us. No wonder we are always looking at ways to improve ourselves or putting ourselves down because we don’t ‘measure up’.
A hundred thousand years ago we only had a few members of our immediate tribe to compare ourselves to. But today, we only need to glance at a newspaper, a magazine, swipe down on our Facebook or instagram newsfeeds to instantly find a whole host of people who are skinnier, richer, sexier, more powerful, more famous or more successful than we are.
When we compare ourselves up against these glamorous media creations, we feel inferior or disappointed with our lives. To make matters worse, our minds are now so sophisticated they can conjure up a fantasy image of the person we would ideally like to be – and then we compare ourselves to that! What chance have we got? We will always end up feeling not good enough.
GET MORE. GET BETTER.
Now for any Stone Age Person with ambition, the general rule for success is; get more and get better.
The better the weapons, the more food you can kill. The larger your foods stores, the greater your chances for survival in times of scarcity. The better your shelter, the safer you are from wild weather and animals, the more children you have, the greater chance that some will survive into adulthood.
No surprise, our evolved mind also carried this strategy forward, we today are still lead to believe “more and better”, more money, a better job, more status, a better body, more love, a better partner.
And if we succeed, if we do get more money, or a better car, or a bigger house or buy a bigger set of tits, then we are satisfied – for a while. But sooner or later (and usually sooner), we end up wanting more.
Thus evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, criticize ourselves and others, to focus on what we are lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder we find it hard to always be happy.
WHAT IS HAPPINESS?
We all want it. We all crave it. We all strive for it. Even the Dalai Lama has said “The very purpose of life is to seek happiness.”
But what exactly is it? The word happiness has two different meanings. The common meaning of the word is “feeling good”. In other words, feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness or gratification – a state. We all enjoy these feelings, so it’s no surprise that we chase them.
However, like any human emotion, feelings of happiness don’t last. No matter how hard we try to hold onto them, they slip away every time. And a life spent in pursuit of happiness is, in the long term deeply unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
The other far less common meaning of happiness is “living a rich, full and meaningful life”. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich, full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality.
This is not some fleeting feeling – it is a mindset that appreciates and understands a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as fear, sadness, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions…happiness being among them.
I STILL DON’T GET IT…IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY?
Of course we all enjoy feeling good, and we should certainly make the most of the pleasant feelings when they appear. But if we try to have them all the time, we are doomed to fail.
The reality is, life involves pain. There is no getting away from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we will grow frail, get sick and die. Sooner or later we all will loose valued relationships through rejection, separation or death. Sooner or later we will all come to face with crises, disappointment and failure. This means that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts and feelings.
SO YOU MEAN TO BE TRULY HAPPY I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY?
More or less, yes. By truly understanding that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
The good news is that although we cant avoid such pain we can learn to handle it much better – to make room for it, reduce its impact, and create a life worth living despite it.
The sad thing is for so long society has told us something different. From a young age we are taught we should be able to control our feelings. When you were young I am sure you heard a number of expressions like “don’t cry”, “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “there’s nothing to be afraid of”, “stop being a sook”…
With phrases such as these, the adults around us are sending the message again and again that we ought to be able to control our feelings.
But what was going on behind their closed doors?
They may have been drinking too much, having an affair, throwing themselves into work, suffering in silence whilst slowly developing stomach ulcers. Whatever method they used to cope, I bet they probably didn’t share those experiences with you.
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT OF HEARD OF BEFORE….ITS CALLED SADNESS AND YES, IT IS NORMAL.
On those rare occasions when you did get to witness their loss of control, I am betting they never explained to you “okay, these tears are because I am feeling something called sadness. It’s a normal feeling, and you can learn to handle it effectively”. But then, that’s not too surprising, they couldn’t show you how to handle your emotions because they didn’t know how to handle theirs.
The idea that you should be able to control your feelings was undoubtedly reinforced in your school years. Do you recall kids who cried at school being teased for being “crybabies”, or “sissies” – especially if they were boys?
Then, as you grew older, you probably heard phrases (or even used them yourself) such as “get over it”, “snap out of it”, “shit happens”, “move on”, “chill out” and so on. These phrases imply that you should be able to turn your feelings on and off at will, like flicking a switch.
BUT EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS HAPPY
And why is this myth so compelling? Because people around us seem, on the surface, to be happy.
They seem to be in control of their thoughts and feelings, they always post happy photos on their instagram and facebook. But seem is the key word here. The fact is most people are not open or honest about the struggle they go through with their own thoughts and feelings.
Too many people are feeling guilty for not being happy. The secret to happiness is not always being happy, but understanding the concept of happiness by practicing mindfulness – allowing your perspective to be challenged.
Everyone’s pain deserves to be validated – we all have permission to be upset.
It is OK to not be OK. We are all human, it is part of our evolved design… and it is not weak to speak about it, as I highlighted the statistics earlier – you are definitely not alone and there are services that can help if sadness is hanging around for prolonged periods.
The organisation LIVIN is a great place to start – gaining momentum in breaking down mental health stigma’s around the globe. You can click on their website if you would also like some referrals to further support services.
LIFE IS ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR MINDSET.
1. Don’t be manipulated by status, fashion or money. Don’t allow society to dictate to you what should make you happy.
2. Practice self-awareness and mindfulness. Are you aware of what makes you happy? Be motivated by your values, live your life in accordance to what is important to you.
3. Acknowledge when you’re not feeling OK. Accept it. Allow it. Try to change the way you think about it. Did you learn something? Did you grow? Did it make you happy at the time? Did it allow you the opportunity to reassess your values? Did it give you the opportunity to have a good old-fashioned cry, devour a tub of cookie dough ice-cream and let it all out?
It is OK, to not be OK.
Letting Go and Dealing with Breakups
Letting Go by Life Above Zero
The Breakup - Letting Go 101
““That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” ”
YOU’LL BE IN PAIN
Yes, it hurts. Unfortunately, pain does not discriminate. It affects us all: the elderly, children, men, women, the rich and the poor. Every race in every country, in every town or city or village is subject to pain.
The pain of stubbing a toe, the pain of a broken bone or a split lip. Then there is a different kind of pain, which is not tangible, not as obvious to others as a sling or bruise.
BIG GIRLS CRY
Girls get it over and done with. Generally, we accept that the fairer sex, women, tend to talk about when they’re in emotional pain. Women cry and talk and cry some more and analyse their break up from every angle so it can be resolved.
Research has identified that women do fall in love faster; ironically they also get over relationships faster than their male counterparts.
…BOYS CRY TOO?!
Sorry guys, you suck at moving on. Men, at the end of a relationship tend to (on average, according to research - apologies for the generalisation to those emotionally intelligent blokes reading) revert to wearing a façade. Men will say they’re OK, and genuinely believe that for some time.
They will distract themselves with anything they can get their hands on - mates, alcohol, sport, gym, work and casual sex for a few months. This is partly why the suicide rate is higher amongst men, but that is a discussion for another day.
Eventually, when their façade begins to weaken, their pain creeps up and surprises them. Finding themselves being faced with a failed relationship will push a man to one of two conclusions.
Man realises he really is happier without Sally. He goes about his business and meets Jill.
Man realises he really isn’t ok. He realises he’s made a mistake and usually by this time Sally has moved on and is now dating Jack.
WELCOME TO THE CLUB
Failed relationships - we all have them. Gen Y, we’ve come up with a brilliant foolproof plan for moving on (excuse the sarcasm);
You explained to them how you felt and the need for the clean break - because we are all mature adults who can handle talking about emotions right?
You cut them out of your life - let’s be honest, you blocked them on Facebook but are using your best friends account to keep an eye on them.
You are moving forward with your life… well you’re trying to and are hoping that whoever you’ve left behind is seeing all your fabulous Instagram posts about how well you’re doing without them.
JUST STOP…
What you’re doing is not working. These are all appropriate and relevant steps and congratulations for being decisive enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. However, as much as I would like to tell you you are on your way….I am sorry to say you are not. The crazy Facebook stalking and forced smile in your Instagram selfie isn’t fooling anyone, including yourself.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
The “…but’s”, “…what if’s” & “…I should have’s” are making you crazy. It’s a slow process, but you will get there. Firstly, we need to explore your thinking. The reason people have trouble letting go of relationships are usually the huge questions of ‘WHY’ and ‘WHAT IF’. Generally there is still resentment or disbelief as to how one party fell short of the others expectations, or because there is unfinished business. This can have very negative effects on your mindset and wellbeing.
RESENTMENT.
Let it go. As the famous Nelson Mandala states “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”, wasting energy hating another person is not doing you any favours.
If they did something to hurt you why are you the one who is being punished feeling all this hate? If they haven’t been bothered enough to address and solve the situation, you allowing them to consume your energy is having no affect on them.
You lie awake thinking of your situation. They are sleeping just fine. The only thing you are doing is closing yourself off from all the gifts the universe is trying to give to you, if only you were present. Allow your past to make you better, not bitter.
EXPECTATIONS.
Expect things only of yourself, that way you cannot be disappointed. A wise woman (my beautiful mother) once told me not to place my own expectations onto someone else. The old saying ‘treating others how you would like to be treated’ still stands during the break down of a relationship. I know you don’t want to, but give your best anyway.
Unfortunately there are no rules or textbook dictating each role in a relationship and there certainly aren’t any rules during the ending of a relationship. You have to just learn and move forward. At least next time you’ll allocate your energies accordingly.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
It’s tough to believe, but generally a break up affects both of you. Try to be mindful of how the other person feels, just because things have ended between you does not make them a bad person.
Maybe they were brought up with different family values, maybe their culture doesn’t hold the same beliefs or meaning, maybe they have been hurt before and you are just witnessing their carefully critiqued coping mechanism.
YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN
There is probably nothing more you can do to fix the situation. All you can do is acknowledge you did all you were willing to at the time; you were the best person you could be. Simply understand it happened and dwelling on it, re-living it, ruminating on every little detail won’t change anything.
You only prevent yourself from closing a chapter and getting closer to your happy-ever-after. So let go of the negative energy. Let go of the hate. Let go of the heavy burden. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do.
BUT WHAT IF I HAD…?
You’ve done all you can. So, the unfinished business…the “what if?” What if what? This is one I hear over and over again. Insert your excuse: timing, priorities, work, travelling, etc.
If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, if you both truly wanted it you would both be fighting for it, now! So write down every reason you’re telling yourself is the excuse for the prolonged clean break.
Once you have written them all down – imagine each of those excuses being as you want them to be. How do you feel now? I am confident you still won’t feel ready to commit.
That’s because; yes you like them, you like the comfort you find in them - its not enough. Be honest to yourself – you like them, or maybe they like you, but not enough.
THE CHAPTER IS OVER.
Closure. It’s something so many women yearn for and I swear so many men would benefit from were it socially acceptable for men to talk about feelings (we are closer than any other generation when it comes to men and their feelings - Gen Y give yourself a pat on the back).
This is such a powerful step for moving forward. You need to have already sat and made peace with your thoughts and acknowledged your feelings. Once you have explored your feelings – I am sure you will have some questions.
Why did they hurt me? Did I do something wrong? Did they not understand me?
After the chaos has cleared, and you can muster up the courage to talk to the other party without your heart dropping to your stomach or breaking down into tears –ask them those questions.
Ask for some honest feedback. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them. There is no such thing as failure in life, just lessons – and that includes relationships too.
Learn from past mistakes – grow – love – live. BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY! It will get easier. I know there’s probably many of you reading this thinking ‘yes if only it was that easy’. Or maybe you have tried all the above and still can’t let go. And that’s Ok - You got burnt. Bad.
But as cliché as it sounds, you can’t have the rainbow without the rain. Would you rather have loved and lost than to never know what it felt like to love and be loved in return?
I STILL CAN’T LET GO
Remember, you’re in control of you. OK, OK – here is a sneaky psychology trick to help. You are in charge of your thoughts and with that, you can control your reality.
STEP 1
Challenge your schemas (sorry about the jargon, schemas are mental representations you create based on information provided by life experience then stored in your memory).
All the things they may have done to upset you, intentional or not, tie it up in parcel in your memory. That’s one schema. Throw it away. It happened. It hurt. It left you with a scar, but you grew from it.
STEP 2
Now, think of all the good memories, the innocence, the smiles, the laughter, the belonging, the friendship…don’t tie that up. Scatter them in a mental scrapbook with bright vibrant stick it notes, like little reminders of the fun.
When you think of them, when you hear their name, when a song comes on that reminds you of them, look back at your mental scrapbook of all the great memories and smile. Never ever regret something that once made you smile.
You can’t just wake up one morning and not love someone anymore – and if you can it wasn’t love. Acknowledge and give yourself permission to admit you loved them, you will always love them but you’re no longer in love with them.
Radiate positive energy, be grateful for your time with them and hope wherever they are they are happy, just as you deserve to be happy, and finally let them go.
How Spring Cleaning can help your Mindset
Spring Cleaning the Life Above Zero Way
Spring the Season of Growth
YES, LITERALLY CLEAN YOUR HOUSE! The cleaner it is, the more accomplished you’ll feel…
One of the things that give’s me the most peace in my life is having a clean, simple home. When I wake up in the morning and walk into a living room that has been decluttered, I am able to start my day, calm, fresh and focused.
On the other hand, if I walk into a living room cluttered with books or dishes, my mind is chaos. They are reminders of all the things that I didn’t get done yesterday.
I am already starting the day on the back foot and I haven’t even had breakfast yet. It’s hard to become enthused or excited for what the day has to offer when the first thing you see are reminders of yesterdays chores.
YOUR LOUNGEROOM IS JUST LIKE YOUR BRAIN. Your space can easily become a reflection of your thoughts…
You will me amazed how simplifying, cleaning and decluttering your space makes a big difference to your state of mind. Whether it be your office, your bedroom, your study, your bathroom or your email inbox. Use the spring season as an excuse to kick your bum into gear and create clarity, your thoughts will then slowly be able to follow suite.
Which means less stress...
YES THERE IS METHOD TO THIS CLEANING MADNESS. Your mother may have just wanted to nag you, but there is actually some scholarly credit to having a clean space…
Firstly clutter is a form of visual distraction. You may not be consciously aware of it, but your unconscious energy is being depleted by everything in your vision. Every word, every colour, every object has meaning tied to it.
Approximately 1500 words run through your brain each minute. That sounds exhausting enough, but if you are able to train your thoughts and create a nurturing and supporting environment, those can be 1500 words of self-love, praise and gratitude.
The less clutter, the less visual stress you will have and consequently less triggers to unproductive thoughts. A simple home is calming.
SORRY, YOU’VE GOT TO DO YOUR BEDROOM TOO. Come on, you spend as much as 227,468 hours of your life in there sleeping…
As I stated earlier this isn’t just applicable to the parts of your house where you have guests. Your bedroom may be your safe place, your sanctuary.
You may not believe you need to clean it or make your bed, or pick your clothes up off the floor because no one see’s it, but this is not for anyone else. This is for you. Give yourself permission to take some time. Time to get rid of the old, clean away the stagnant energy, and allow space for the new.
…AND YOUR COMPUTER. Your mail inbox can have the exact same effect on your state of mind…
Do you spend the first hour of each day sifting through emails, feeling defeated as to where to start? Those 1500 words bombarding your brain each minute at those moments…I doubt many are your owns words.
Rather they are words constructing directions from management, requests from clients, asking and ordering you around. Do yourself a favour. Give yourself the time to read each email – focus – be present. It will take time if you haven’t already, but prioritise your emails in the relevant folders, that should be your next step if you haven’t already organised your inbox.
Declutter your Workspace
Declutter your workspace by simplifying and cleaning up your inbox. Even if you can only afford 10 minutes each day on this task, if you stick to it, eventually one day you will come into work with an organised and decluttered inbox which allows you to only read other’s words when you are in the right state of mind, deliberately and actively open to receive it. This will assist you to start each workday with purpose, clarity and intention.
Once you have finished prioritising your incoming emails into the delegated folders…that pile of papers staring at you on your desk is next to go!
Slowly but surely, begin to declutter and simplify your life. It’s the season to reassess, refocus and rejuvenate.
Happy cleaning!
Living Deliberately - Health and Wellbeing
Hi lovers and welcome to the Life Above Zero blog. This space is used to share love and light. A resource, a coach, a friend, some inspiration you can always turn to – to regain focus, gain momentum, to pick yourself up, and to hear validation – a polite reminder; you are worthy. There is Life Above Zero, and you deserve to live it.
Life Above Zero encompasses a holistic view of living and wellbeing, acknowledging there is more than not being sick, not being sad, not having anything to complain about.
Yes, those are things to be grateful for, but are you truly grateful for them?
Does your soul ooze gratitude for the energy you have to freely to devote to things you choose are important?
Are you aware of what values are important to you?
Are you surrounded by friends yet still feel alone?
When you hear your loved ones speak, are you actually listening to what they have to say?
Connection. Purpose. Intention. There is more to life than coasting through it. There is more to life than being just OK. There is Life Above Zero, there are reasons to wake up everyday and feel enthusiastic with a genuine lust for life. You don’t need a lot of money or the perfect body, you don’t need a lot of friends or the perfect partner and you don’t need a lot of attention.
All you need is your perspective challenged, broadened and heard. I hope with each of my blog’s you read; you are able to grow, you learn something new. I hope something I say resonates with your soul and you slowly start to live deliberately, a Life Above Zero.
It seems everyday we are pressured to run faster and faster on the treadmill of life, just to keep up. We live in an age where we consume information, food and media at a breakneck pace, with so many influences dictating to us what is important, forcing expectations upon us of the person we have to be.
We have every minute of our scheduled days packed with errands, tasks and chores. We rush from one place to the next; we rush to get ready in the morning, and then we rush to get to work on time, just to then be able to rush in completing the tasks expected of us, before we then rush home to meet our next obligation and prepare ourselves for our next rushed day.
Life is increasingly competitive. Too many of us become dependent upon adrenalin to keep us where we need to be. We access adrenalin on demand; tea, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, sugar. These mimic the effects of the real thing, however ironically can lead to 'burn out', where we feel stressed and unhappy instead of fueled and energised.
Many of us feel overwhelmed as a result of our fast paced lives, leading to an alarming spike in diagnosed depression and anxiety in our society.
I cannot tell you all of life’s secrets, I can’t change your entire life today, but what I can do is promise to volunteer wisdom, to help you wake up each day with intention, purpose and gratitude.
You may not have the time to make big changes…yet, and that’s OK. However, today choose to honour yourself and your worth. If you can only commit to small steps: start here, your journey starts with you taking that first, small step.
Honour your time, honour your health, and honour your soul longing for purpose. Try to sit with your thoughts, look inside yourself for genuine energy and pure adrenalin substitutes. The biggest source of energy is enthusiasm and a lust for life. Keep in mind - when you reduce stress there is less need for adrenalin.
So get outside, do something for you, gain a bigger perspective. Make time for something that naturally excites you, something that purely the thought of calms you and somehow magically grows a smile across your face. Whether it be going for a walk, feeling the sun kiss your skin, watching a movie with your partner, playing with your children, dancing all night with your girlfriends…
Take the first step, do something for you, allow yourself some wind down time - because change begins within.
Talk soon,