Life & Wellness lifezero Life & Wellness lifezero

Why balance is BULLS*%T

Dealing with Excuses

Earlier this week I did a live on my Facebook squashing some of the bullshit excuses and myths people have and tell themselves about success and why they can't have it.

  1. First one being is that it comes from a natural ability...sorry but NO, it's a trait called GRIT and I will tell you a tell about what it is and how you develop it.

  2. Second is that if you can't keep a balance in the pursuit of success it's not working or meant to be for you.. sorry to break it to you BUT balance is a PRIVILEGE.

Tune in to hear the research and facts around what it takes to be successful so you can understand you can have, do and be whoever you want. There is a Life Above Zero and you deserve to live it!

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The secret to happiness and success

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The Secret to True Happiness

My partner recently said something to me that stood out… and got the reflective juices flowing, resulting in this blog! I was telling him the exciting news that I had just been offered a position at work, that I really wanted. His response was “Of course you did Lauren, if only once you didn’t get what you wanted.”

I told my Dad the same good news, his response was similar, “Of course you did, you’re Lauren, everything always works out for you.”

At first, I was offended by these remarks from the two men in my life that I seek approval and attention from. What they said sounded to me like I was a spoilt brat, who gets whatever they want handed to them on a silver platter. I know that was not their intention. I know, and they know (and anyone else who witnesses how hard I work, constantly and whole heartedly knows) that is not the case.

But, They are Right…

But yes, they are right, in some way or another, I do always get what I want. There is a process to my thinking surrounding these things:

  • I have a hard think about what I truly, deeply want/need, to be a happy and healthy human.

  • I question what receiving or gaining that would give me or change in my life.

  • I allocate my time and energies accordingly.

That is why I am a Life and Wellness coach; I want to teach others how they can get what they want, how to live the life they want and how to be the person they want to be. If you’re not going to go out and get it, no-one else is going to give it to you.

So, I’ve decided to share with you my personal formula for happiness and success (to me they are the same thing!)

1) Have a Vision

Firstly ask what is success to you? Is it a personal vision, is it a feeling, way of life, a position? Is it wisdom, ownership of materialistic possessions? In one on one life coaching in my practice – I help people become aware of their goals, their passions and purpose, then I coach them to set and achieve goals in accordance to them.

A good way to get the goal or that vision in your head is creating a vision board or write a letter from your future self! It sounds corny but just try it (or feel free to email me if you want help), and from there, work backwards…

2) Acceptance

When I don’t get what I want - I don’t stamp my feet and chuck a tantrum (although I am sure there are occasions growing up my Dad would probably disagree with that). In the real “adult” world, I handle closed doors and disappointments very differently.

This is why people may have the “illusion” that I always get what I want, because I practice acceptance. I say if I had always got what I wanted, I would be one unhappy girl today. I have learnt to be thankful for closed doors, detours and roadblocks, because they protect me from paths and places not meant for me.

Sure, I have thrown a little pity party for myself, but have learned to free myself from them as I gain emotional intelligence and maturity – you need to be able to identify your feelings. Recognise them and give yourself space to allow them. Experience those feelings, otherwise they don’t go away they just get suppressed.

However, I don’t let my pity party turn into a pity bender - I shift my thought patterns, motivation and commitment to an alternate route and keep moving forward, with more enthusiasm! When I get knocked down, I get back up again, trusting the universe has bigger better plans for me (this is where religion may play a role for some).

3) Be Kind

I am kind to everyone I meet. Everyone.

Whether they be in my professional or personal world, I am always kind (this can be challenging sometimes working in Child Protection, nonetheless I do it anyway). When you are kind and help others, most people are kind in return, and are happy to help you on your road to success.

If you need something; help, advice or to be introduced to someone who can help, usually, a person you have been kind to will be more than willing to help out! So don’t have ulterior motives, help others and be kind to every soul you meet, it’s called ‘Karma’ and it will return the favour some day!

4) Be Genuine

When I say I am kind, that does not mean I am fake or sugar coat my words. I don’t beat around the bush or just tell people what they want to hear (this would definitely not work in Child Protection). Sometimes, if I have something I need to say that may offend someone, I will say it anyway (nicely). I can explain my intentions; if I have to say something that might hurt someone’s feelings I explain that I’ve said it in the best interest of that person (and check back in with yourself, reflect and question yourself to ensure it really is!

How will this person benefit from hearing what it is you have to say? Does it really need to be said if it is at the risk of hurting their feelings or beating their self-esteem). I explain to them, I am telling them this because I care for them and want to be transparent with them.

5) Work hard

Identify your end goal, and ask how badly do you want it? What are you willing to sacrifice for it?

It is true, if it was easy we would all have it or all do it.

Sometimes it is easier to whinge and moan, to blame it on bad luck and on others, than it is to take ownership, to take accountability and to step up and make changes.

If you want to lose weight, but aren’t willing to eat a balanced diet or get your body moving – then you obviously don’t want to lose the weight bad enough.

If you want an A in your next exam, but you want to keep watching that TV series instead, it’s obvious that don’t want those grades bad enough.

If you want true committed love, yet aren’t wiling to suck up your pride and have the uncomfortable discussions with your partner to work out your issues, then guess what? You don’t want the relationship bad enough.

Working hard isn’t about instant gratification either, if you want something - work at it - do not give up. It’s about persistence, it’s making sacrifices today for something you might not necessarily see tomorrow or the next day, but trust you will reap the benefits in a month or years time.

This is how University works! I am sure a few of you reading this are just like me and juggled 3-4 part time/casual jobs whilst studying at uni, knowing in 4-5 years time it would all be worth it! Same as going for a run (despite the fact you do get instant release of endorphins) you can not expect to drop weight after one run, it comes back to consistent work.

If the end goal is truly something you madly, deeply want, something your heart is longing for, then the hard/persistent work won’t discourage you, you will go to bed dreaming about it and wake up excited about it! And if you don’t, revisit your goal, ask yourself do you truly want it? This is leads me to…

6) Reflection.

This is a biggie for me. I frequently reflect to ensure the life I am living is in accordance with my values, things I believe are important. This is how I make decisions and weigh up what sacrifices are worth making, or if I am sacrificing too much. A way I keep this in check, is by using my ‘mission statement’.

It is little piece of paper I have written and keep in my diary, I have identified my top 5 values and articulated how the person I aspire to be would ideally incorporate these into their life accordingly (I will share this strategy in my next blog).

By reflecting, I ensure my behavior is aligning with my values, essentially making sure I am walking my talk. I reflect the purity of my intentions and ensure they are not manipulated by society, status, fashion or money – as these are things I have identified in my mission statement are not values of mine that I want to be controlled or dictated by.

7) Forgiveness

In life you must have emotional balance - just like you need a healthy dose of work and play, veggies and sweets, sun and rain. There is happiness and sadness. It is inevitable you are going to get hurt. But, don’t let the world make you hard. Love and live whole-heartedly. Forgive.

Don’t hold onto negative energy hating, bitching or stalking someone’s instagram/Facebook pages. All that does is make you spiteful and heavy.

It takes way more energy to hate than it does to love…so forgive…

It’s like my favourite saying “resentment is like drinking poison hoping it will kill your enemies” Nelson Mandela. Forgiveness however, does not necessarily mean to forget. Make an executive decision, you are your own boss – do I want this person in my life?

If I do… fair enough - acknowledge what they did was wrong, realise they are capable of doing it again, love and accept them anyway by planning for it or not allowing them to be in the position to hurt you again.

Be a lover not a fighter, and know better for next time. If you decided – No, you don’t want that person in your life anymore - then that’s also fair enough, respect yourself to walk away from anything that no longer serves or grows you.

Appreciate that lesson and let it go. Don’t waste energy ruminating over it, forgive them and use that energy to be constructive, move forward and closer to your success and happiness.

So, this is my personal formula. It may not work for everyone, but that’s the whole point of Life Coaching – identifying what is important to you, the individual, and living your life accordingly.

By practicing these 7 things in my life, I am a happier person, people often describe me as “happy - go lucky” and a “go getter”, I am motivated yet, also at peace with where I am. I get to live life light, with no baggage, no regrets nor hatred. I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am, because I treat everyone the same regardless of what they have to offer me.

Like everything in life - it comes down to balance – be a nice human but don’t expect things to be passed to you because of it – you still have to get up and chase those big dreams yourself…but that’s where the fun begins ;)

If you feel you need a little help please reach out – you can find some of my life coaching programs.

Sending happiness and success your way,

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A hug a day DOES keep the Dr Away

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A Hug a Day keeps the Dr Away

So if you haven’t already heard or checked out our holistic health program the Healthstyle Emporium, it is our very own sacred space where we empower our clients to be the healthiest and happiest versions of themselves. With access to all of our resources, such as monthly educational webinars, one on one coaching, access to our amazing team of health professionals, it’s a place where you can dive deep on our meal, exercise, yoga, and meditation guides. 

The best part about it is… we have regular challenges! We are currently in our 14 days of bliss challenge, where we are empowering our clients with daily assignments, rituals and routines aimed at eliminating and managing stress - the biggest contributor to unhappiness, disease and belly fat! Day 9’s de-stress activity was HUG THERAPY!

So, what is Hug Therapy?

You might agree, yeah hugs are nice, but what the hell is hug therapy?! Hug, snuggle and cuddle therapy is a new 21st century phenomena sweeping across our high tech world, where people are charging anywhere from $60- $90 per hour for healing, clothed, therapeutic, nonsexual touch.

However the theory of touch is not a new one! Research from as early as the 20th century investigates child development in which nurture (in the form of a soothing touch) plays a critical role.

Security & Relationships

  • Research has discovered how essential physical touch is, not only for emotional regulation in children but also in adults and has consequences for the relationships individuals form later in life. One of the very first studies on touch was the infamous Harlow study which demonstrated that baby monkeys prefer a cloth doll without milk as a mother substitute over a metal doll with milk. We have come a long way in conducting ethical research since then, and I think it’s safe to say worldwide we agree that babies need to be held. There is evidence that adults who were frequently hugged and cuddled during early childhood display fewer stress symptoms than those less-hugged counterparts.

  • Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

  • The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

HUGS PROMOTE Happiness

As adults we can live without hugs, but research proves we are happier with them!

  • When we touch others we release oxytocin (known as the “pleasure” hormone) which increases feelings of attachment connection, trust and intimacy and heals feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.

  • Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels (known as the “happy” hormone”) which elevates your mood.

  • Hugging boosts self-esteem. From the time we’re born, families’ touch reinforces we are loved and we are special. Association between self-worth and touch from our early years becomes imbedded in our nervous system. The cuddles we received from our Mum and Dad while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self-love.

  • Hugging relaxes muscles, enabling tension to be released from the body. Hugs can take away pain; soothing aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

  • Similar to laughter and meditation, hugs encourage us to practice mindfulness, reminding us to let go and be present in the moment. They teach us to detach from logical thinking patterns - connecting you with your heart, your feelings and your breath.

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Better health

  • High levels of stress can weaken the immune system, making us more susceptible to illness and infection. However, research has found that physical affection also alleviates stress reactions in adults, by decreasing heart rate, blood pressure and cortisol levels (known as the “stress” hormone).

  • Hugs strengthen the immune system, as the gentle pressure on the sternum creates an emotional charge activating the solar Plexus Chakra. This stimulates the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's production of white blood cells, keeping you healthy and disease free.

A hug a day, CAN keep the Dr. away!

Today we live in a fast paced, high stress world – where millions of us now live and love via our social mediums, with hundreds + friends on our Facebook, instagram, twitter networks, and yet somehow many of us are able to move through the entire day without having experienced one human-to-human, warm-bodied hug – isn’t that sad?

It’s cold and flu season again — so make sure you get plenty of sleep, get some extra vitamin C and… hug each other a little more! It’s that simple – Reach out and hug your partner, your friend, your co-worker, your family…and your life may not only feel better but last longer!

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Running through your wall: A guide to breaking the mental barriers of running

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Gold Coast Marathon

With the Gold Coast Marathon coming up in two weeks, I am sure some of you are thinking:

  1. Why would any sane person want to run 21/42km, who would do that to themselves?!” or

  2. “I wish I could run like that.”

You already know I am not a Personal Trainer or exercise scientist; rather I am a fellow running enthusiast using my Psychology degree, to enable my clients to alter their mindset, focus on the positives and set goals to allow them to reach their full potential and take advantage of the abundance life has to offer!

I am one of the lucky ones, I inherited long running legs from my Mum, who was an athlete, and fortunately my Poppy is an athletic trainer. So growing up I got all the technical training and drills (and I guess the genetics)… However this blog is me handing down some tips I have learnt on the way - how to defeat that little voice in your head telling you, you can’t do it!

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1) Mastering the Mindset

Most long distance runners know defeating that ‘little voice’ is half the battle. Your mind is your most active component when it comes to running; your ego will tap out before your body will. During your run, do you find yourself saying “only 2 more songs” or working out how much you have done in comparison to how much you have to go?

Remind yourself this: As long as you’re breathing, your body will continue to go. That is why it is called aerobic or cardio exercise – your body just needs your heart pumping to deliver oxygen to your working muscles.

Aerobic exercise encourages the heart and breathing rate to increase in a way that can be sustained for the exercise session; your body is designed to do this. So don’t buy into what that little devil in your head is saying, keep running, your body has got this!

2) Just keep breathing

Like I said – cardio is all about the breath and this is where most people struggle. Do you panic hearing yourself get out of breath? It’s for this exact reason I rarely run/train with other people in fear they are not in control of their breath – I can hear when they become flustered and panic, struggling with their inconsistent breaths, which can cause me to struggle to stay in sync with my own breath.

I have taught many of my friends and clients this: slow down your breath.

To be honest, this is my number 1 trick. When you’re in control of your breath, you become in the flow, you are able to run with ease for kilometres without becoming overwhelmed, having to think or count down the KM’s – you can just be. For me, I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth for long and slow breaths, ensuring my muscles are getting the maximum oxygen they can, to fuel my beautiful, long beach runs.

It may sound simple yet so many struggle with this. A good trick is to take yoga classes! Yoga teaches you to become aware, focus and control your breath, even when holding poses that cause your heart rate to skyrocket, yoga is able to teach you to find ease, stillness and peace in the discomfort.

3) Update Your Inner Dialogue

The truth is  change is unfamiliar, it takes effort and requires us to leave our comfort zone, and understandably people unconsciously only move towards situations that make us feel better.

Consequently, we only make changes when the pain of staying where we are, exceeds the pain of growing.  Unfortunately, even if we don't like where we currently are, what we are doing or who we are with, if moving forward or the fear of the unknown feels worse, often we will remain in our familiar discomfort and neglect our goals and dreams.

So I ask you… do you really want to run? What about it is going to make you feel better?

Explore your narrative, what thoughts do you associate with running?

  • Are you telling yourself it will be embarrassing if someone sees you running?

  • Are you telling yourself that you will be too exhausted to go for a run after a long day at work?

  • Are you telling yourself it’s too cold and raining outside?

  • Are you focusing on all the times you’ve said you’re going to train and work up to it and didn’t follow through?

  • Are you thinking of all the other things you have to do and that you won’t have the time to run for an hour?

If this sounds like your story – it makes sense that you struggle to take action.

So — let’s write a new chapter...

Small shifts in your thoughts create big shifts in your behavior.

Try shifting to:

  • Running after work is my secret weapon to rebooting my energy and releasing those endorphins”

  • I will feel really f-ing proud of myself if I get up and start kicking my own goals, rather than just talking about it and worrying about what others may think”

  • I have been sitting inside rugged up staring at a computer screen for 8 hours, I can’t wait to get outside amongst nature, warm myself up and feel the fresh air upon my face”

  • “I struggled in the past, but this time I’ve got a revived outlook, enthusiasm and motivation for creating the life I want and doing things I say I want to do.”

  • “I am so excited to have one hour to myself out of my busy day, one hour to treat myself, focus on my breath, clear my mind and be present

You get to choose the thoughts that are in your head. Write a fresh story, one that motivates, enthuses and excites you to get moving and make changes.

4) Spice it up! Make it fun!

Mix it up. Download some new songs or make a playlist of all your old school favourites! I love the sunrise over the ocean so that’s my motivation for getting up for my run in the morning. Mix up your routes, go exploring, run to your favourite look out! Even use some healthy competition, download an app where you can monitor your pace and try beat your last run.

5) Create a Community of Support

Humans are social beings who thrive on meaningful connection. Successful treatment or rehabilitation for any mental or physical condition relies on utilizing a support network. So, if you are trying to create a healthy lifestyle, form healthy habits or run those longer distances, get a friend on board! Set goals together, register for an event or a marathon so you have something to train and aim for, join a running group or hire a personal trainer.

Surround yourself with like-minded people who will inspire and motivate you, who will hold you accountable to the changes you say your are going to make, people who will remind you of your "why". Whether it is following inspirational people on your social media, family, friends, an online forum or a life coach, the support you need is out there. Go find it!

6) Be Smart: Create a foolproof environment

If you have decided running is something you want to do/ be better at/is a goal you want to work towards, you need to be smart about planning for success. When we are planning to make changes in our lives, we often over-estimate our ability to practice self-control by not accounting for influences of our environment.

You don't want to eat junk food? Don't have them in your home. You don’t want to drink?

Don’t go to the club. Clean out your environment, and likewise be deliberate in building yourself a supportive environment. This may be something as simple as putting your phone on charge on the other side of the room to ensure you wake up and go for you run first thing in the morning, before you find yourself scrolling down on your insta/facebook feed for an hour.

Or even packing your runners in your bag so after work you don’t have to go home before you go for a run, preventing the opportunity to get comfortable on the couch! I do things like purposely organising or leaving my car places so if I need it, I have to run back there!

Put as much distance as you can between you and your temptations for unwanted behaviour.

It may not always have to be this way, but in the early stages of building change, be smart, honest and kind to yourself. You're not super human, we all have our kryptonite (mine is cookie dough oooops),  so don’t put yourself in situations where you have to be so strong. Give yourself a safety net.

If you want to stop wishing you could run like those fit people on your insta feed and actually run like that or if you want to stick it to that little voice in your head and prove you can do it… try some of these little tricks….AND RUN FOREST, RUN!

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Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

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Breaking it down

Generally in our western world women are “stereotypically” known to be overwhelmed with feelings and to be more guided by them, in contrast to men who “stereotypically” make decisions based on cool, rational deliberation.

Our two emotional and communication styles have people all around the world questioning how can we be so different? Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

We are prisoners of society

The culture you surround yourself with dictates what is “appropriate” expressions of emotions and consequently influences the differences we see between men and women portraying the same feelings in different ways.

These are called display rules - and are enriched in our culture. They are so deeply absorbed and indoctrinated by society that they have been led to the belief that there are true sex differences in relation to emotion.

What if I told you men were more emotional than women?

Contradictory to today’s gender stereotypes, research may even suggest that men might be slightly more emotional than women. Whereas women may be more willing to report their emotions and claim to have stronger feelings, social norms may put pressure on men to suppress their emotions and not admit to having the same strong feelings.

The stereotypes of overemotional women and restrained men are among the most prevalent in the United States. A study stereotyping of emotion showed a bias in identifying anger with men and not women. Participants tended to interpret women’s reactions as sadness rather than anger, and had trouble seeing women as angry, even when women’s expressions were clearly angry.

The tendency for women to cry when they feel angry has repetitively appeared in cross-cultural surveys of emotion and in studies in which women alone explored their emotion expressions. For women, crying is a common expression of emotion, even in response to anger. It is considered a more culturally appropriate means of expressing anger than physical aggression.

However, crying is discouraged among boys and consequently men are much less likely to cry than women. Indeed men often misinterpret women’s crying as sadness or grief, which would be inappropriate in situations that provoke anger. This tendency for women to cry in situations in which men would not, may provide an explanation as to why women receive the label of “overemotional”.

The greater emotionality of women may be an illusion, the traditional view that women are more emotional and talk more, has also proven to be false. The smallest of gender differences are depicted, in which comparatively highlights (would you believe it) male’s tendency to talk more!

Why Men are more Emotional than Women

  1. Men fall in love faster than women

  2. Men have more experiences than women of loving someone that doesn’t love them back

  3. When a love relationship breaks up men suffer more intense emotional distress than women

  4. Men have more traditional concepts of love and marriage and are more romantic than women

  5. Men are more likely to have romantic beliefs such as “Love lasts forever” and “there is one perfect love in the world for everyone.”

  6. Women however are more likely to report physical symptoms of being in love, such as feeling like they are “floating on a cloud”

  7. Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place

The traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong.

However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.

 I will let these facts resonate with you, in the meantime keep your eyes out for part 2 of this issue – learning specifically the psychology on how to understand your other half!

If you want to know more or read the psychological scientific journals yourself ?

 Click Here to find the list of studies mentioned in this issue

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How to Fake it till you make it

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I am not a complete Hippy, I swear!

I personally really love positive psychology, I live by concepts like the law of attraction, what you feel you attract, faking it until you make it etc. I strongly believe in how much power we hold simply in our mindsets… my belief in how powerful the mind can be was reinforced by my studies in Psychology.

I live by corny quotes you find in the book ‘The secret’’ one of my favourite’s is “whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.”

But, in saying that, the more I study and the more I read I find there is science and research that backs up my beliefs, so I don’t feel like a complete Hippy!

Here’s a little psychology for you...

Some psychology terms which relate to the power of perspective and belief having more influence than reality or actual ability;

Self-fulfilling prophecies;

referring to situations in which our initial expectation of others or even of our own self-expectations shape our behavior which in turn leads us to behave in ways consistent with these initial expectations.

Pygmalion effect;

which entails if you think something will happen you may unconsciously make it happen through your actions or inaction, in the workplace/educational system it is the phenomenon whereby the greater expectation placed upon people the better they perform.

So, does this mean you can fake it until you make it?

Virtually every social interaction involves reciprocal evaluations and the stakes are often higher in one direction than the other, with one party often having more power to impact the future of the other such as controlling access to resources.

For example in a job interview, the interviewer has power over the job candidates future and consequently the importance of the interviewers evaluation’s of the candidate has greater implications than the evaluations the candidate has of the interviewer.

Or on a date, lets be honest here! The woman wears the pants in todays dating world. The woman has control over whether or not this date will be going anywhere after the first coffee.

When was the last time you were nervous or being judged?

If you guys think back to any situation before you’ve entered a high-stake social evaluation – like a job interview, a first date or even like giving a presentation at school or uni? Most of us shrink in our chairs, hunch over our phones, notes or speech cards, adopting nonverbal postures that cause us to feel even more powerless.

But what if we did the opposite?

What if people were to stretch out and occupy more space, rather than slouching and taking up less?

In both human and non-human primates, expansive open postures reflect power whereas the opposite (closed and contractive) reflect low power, not only do these postures reflect power…but they PRODUCE it.

Prove it!

In a study by Carney, Cuddy, and Yap (2010), a brief power-pose induction was sufficient in biological testing to produce elevations in testosterone, decreases in cortisol, increased self-reported feelings of power, and a greater self-reported tolerance for risk.

In another study by Amy Cuddy, Caroline Wilmuth and Dana Carney from University of California at Berkeley, 2012 (The Benefit of power posing before a high-stake social evaluation) demonstrated that holding a high power pose increases both your implicit and explicit feelings of power and dominance, risk-taking behaviour, action orientation, confidence, performance, pain tolerance, and testosterone (being the dominance hormone) whilst consequently also reducing stress, anxiety and cortisol.

What was the study?

This study tested whether changing ones non-verbal behaviour prior to a high stakes social evaluation (such as a job interview) would improve performance in the evaluated task.

Participants were manipulated to either hold a high-power pose (e.g. standing up straight with the hands on the hips) or a low-power pose (e.g. touching the neck while sitting) for seven minutes before a job interview.

As predicted high power posers performed better and were more likely to be chosen for hire, and this relationship was mediated only by presentation quality not the speech’s quality. The high power posers in contrast to the low, appeared to better maintain their composure, project more confidence and present more captivating and enthusiastic speeches, in turn leading to higher overall performance evaluations.

Its suggested by non-verbally manipulating power, the high power poses effectively took advantage of the psychological and physiological perks typically associated with high power, despite being in the low – power position in relation to the evaluators.

So, how can I fake it until I make it?

It is true, you don’t have to be confident, but you can trick your body into believing you are – which in turns makes others believe you are! So what is the difference (no one has to know you are shitting your pants but you!)

So next time…

  • you go on a date

  • go for a job interview

  • have to deliver a presentation

  • feel powerless due to hierarchical status within organisations,

  • presenting/reporting to a manager

  • even when competing for a promotion

…or are in any other social situation where you feel you are being judged or assessed…FAKE IT.

Get it done like a boss!

Take 5 minutes for yourself – get in the zone… Stand confidently with your hands on your hips, or lay back in your chair with your legs up on the desk and your hands behind your head…

Take up as much space as possible, it’s your space, you deserve to be here. Own it, you are powerful, believe in yourself, believe in the power of the mind. Embody it…

Now go get them boss!!

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11 Tips on How To Stay Motivated to Achieve Goals

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It is around this time of the year, people have got stuck back into work, getting the kids settled back into school and transporting them to their daily sporting commitments – that those new year resolutions and the best intentions you had to make this year YOUR year have lost their momentum with your energy being spent on various other commitments.

This blog, is just a quick one – letting you in on some secrets on how to keep the motivation to see those resolutions the whole year through.

Whatever your goals are – the best way to ensure you have the commitment and dedication to keep working at them is asking yourself where is the motivation coming from?

You will find that fire and focus is easier to maintain when the goals you are setting are intrinsically motivated.

You want them, you are willing to work and make sacrifices for them – because YOU want it. If you are setting a goal because someone else is telling you to or because society expects you to, you can bet when you are faced with your first hurdle you will struggle to source the energy and desire to jump.

Goals are fun.

They are not a chore or a way to beat yourself up – they are an opportunity to articulate clearly to the universe what you want and hold yourself accountable to take steps to get there!

That fire and passion will drive you no matter what obstacles you face because you genuinely and organically wake up each day yearning for it. Goals (it doesn’t matter how big or small) help give our lives purpose and meaning.

So if you are feeling like you are stuck in a rut – set a small goal to help you get up and moving (my previous blog has a goal setting activity to help you set your own goals).

11 Tips on keeping motivated to achieve goals

1.Hold yourself accountable.

Right from the beginning when you are setting your goals – don’t rely on anything that you don’t have power over. This is your goal – no one else’s. You are responsible for achieving it – if you are going to make excuses or blame others – it was never your goal to begin with. Hiccups and hurdles are part of the process, you set out to achieve YOUR goal, so remember these are not failures only feedback – what are you going to try next or do differently?

2.Just Start.

Trust me, setting the goal is the hardest part because you have had to sit down and really ask yourself what it is you truly want, what you are willing to sacrifice and work hard for. So as Nike says “just do it” – you don’t have to see the whole stair case just the first step.

3.Positive self-talk

Positive self-talk is important at all times however it is even more crucial when it comes to goals because if you let your doubt and self-limiting beliefs dominate your thought processes they will become your reality. You CAN do this, You are WORTHY of this, You WILL do this!

4.Visualize it!

Visualization is a technique used by many sporting and life coaches. It derives from Neuro Linguistic Programing – visualize yourself doing it, achieving it, how do you feel? What do you see, hear and smell? Who do you tell? What are you wearing? Who is there to share the moment with you and celebrate?

Visualizing makes it all more real as your brain builds stronger neuron connections, as it is not able to discriminate between real and imagined experiences – it produces the same hormones, neurological responses and feelings regardless, allowing you to tune in and refuel that fire regularly, reminding you of that satisfaction waiting at the end of all the hard work.

5.Write here, there and everywhere!

Repetition, constantly put it out into the universe, have little cues everywhere reminding you what you are doing it all for. Whether it be a picture of your dream holiday on the fridge, your body at it’s fittest as your phone background, having your goal written at the front of your dairy or on your bathroom mirror, having it set as your alarm in the mornings etc.

Another handy tip is having your goals as your passwords! These days with technology we have to enter them a few times each day, why not use these opportunities to refuel your motivation and commitment.

6.find Like minded friends!

Surround yourself with like-minded friends, friends who also have goals and aspirations of their own. People who encourage you, empower you and support you, it is true, your vibe attracts your tribe!

7.Get Help!

This goal is still YOUR goal – the destination at the end doesn’t change however sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved. Whether it be outsourcing some work so you can focus on some bigger goals, or seeking a mentor or life coach to help refuel your ambition.

8.Celebrate small wins!

In my earlier blog regarding goal setting – we advised big goals should be broken into smaller ones. This is done to help keep you motivated, to make the bigger goal more real and achievable. Use the smaller goals to track your progress and celebrate each victory! Celebrate your ambition, your commitment! You are doing it! You Go Glen Coco, you GO!

9.Get re-inspired!

Like happiness, like energy – you can’t expect to be feeling high levels of motivation and excitement 24/7. You do have to work at it and refuel that fire. So every now and then look for inspiration to keep that drive, whether it be from reading blogs, books, movies, documentaries or talking to others. The world is filled with amazing people with amazing stories – don’t get so caught up in your journey that you forget to notice the ambition that surrounds you, this helps ground you.

NOTE: this does not mean comparing your lives to others on social media so you feel inferior! It is about acknowledging we are all different people on different paths, and genuinely being happy, inspired and learning from others success (and failures).

10.Reflect!

Breaking those goals into smaller ones also allows you the opportunity to reflect. Reflect on where you have come from, how far you have come, who and what helped you, what you have learnt and how you have grown. This exercise helps to strengthen your gratitude and mindfulness.

11. Reassess!

I can’t say it enough, for your goals to be effective, they really do need to intrinsically motivate you… when you are regularly reflecting, ask yourself…

Is it pleasurable?

If the answer is No, ask yourself…

Is it still worth the sacrifices?

If the answer to both of these questions is No, then it is time to reassess. Don’t be hard on yourself, people change, life changes. Changing or choosing not to pursue certain goals does not mean you have failed.

Sometimes our values change as a result of our experiences and growth, and if you fail to reassess your goals frequently, your goals may no longer reflect your values, beliefs or who you are.

So Dream Big, Aim High and Have Fun! Go get em tiger!

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Food for thought - Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul

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It is the season to be Jolly

So it is getting to that time of the year, work parties, Christmas parties, New Year getaways, it is the season to be jolly! Every weekend seems to be filled with reasons to celebrate with yummy food, great drinks and even better company (and with good reason we should be celebrating - we made it, another year of health, happiness and lessons). Me personally, I am a sucker for a cheese platter and a Tia Maria with Coke! But…it hasn’t always been like that.

Is it worth the calories?

The old me (well in one of my phases of learning) the thought of having to test myself and my diet would cause me anxiety. I would very carefully way up if I had the will power to attend these events and not indulge or if it would be easier for me just to miss it altogether. I would count calories, I would punish myself with an extra long run. I would tell myself I didn't deserve dinner that night. Tragic I know, but I am confident when I say, I know I am not alone.

Maybe its Maybelline, or maybe it is a filter?

Being a girl in general, historically in the western culture we have been valued for our cosmetic make up. I know! I know! We have come a long way - women and men have both fought for women’s rights, now being more widely accepted and valued for our minds, our nature and our being.

However this is even complicated again by the massive presence of social media. I have read a lot of arguments from both sides advocating for and against the pressure of social media on women’s self-esteems, and they both have very good points - social media can manipulate and taunt your ego but only if you allow it.

We all know better, on our best days...

It takes a strong willed, confident, wise and content woman to consciously resist the influence and temptation to compare themself to the photo shopped and filtered images of the ideal woman which seem to be plastered everywhere these days; TV, movies, magazine, Facebook, instagram, billboards etc.

But who are these confident invincible women? Sure, we are all her on our best days, we know and acknowledge that photo was probably her 50th attempt of sucking in, pocking her ass out and playing with the filter effects.

But, we all have days where we feel inadequate, where we feel we fall short and we buy into the comparison game (even that girl you are comparing yourself to) - and that is OK, it has a lot to do with the evolution of our psyche (which is explained in an earlier blog ‘it’s OK to not be OK’).

I have been there...

Not only am I a girl in the 21st century who has Instagram and Facebook to turn to for regular reminders of all the amazingly beautiful women out there, I am also a dancer, who out of all places - lives on the Gold Coast. I have been in the industry where I have been told I was too big.

I have been told before if I wanted to be given any more work - I would need to loose weight. I have been surrounded by the culture of girls experimenting with laxatives, prescription drugs such as duromine, and discussions of the easiest ways to bring your food back up.

Surrounded by the lifestyle of weighing food portions and strict routines of eat, gym, sleep, repeat. I am a big advocate for a healthy lifestyle - but not when it consumes you.

It is a poisonous mindset I felt the more I focused on weight, the harder it was to loose it (in hindsight I wish I knew about the effect women's hormones and contraception can have on weight - punishing myself for something that was outside of my control did not help). I hated the gym but did it because I thought that is what I needed to do.

I ate a bland boring diet. I would get jealous of girls eating whatever they wanted because I knew I couldn’t do that without experiencing a heavy weight of guilt. I deliberately committed to three jobs as well as uni so it wasn’t even possible for me to attend these social events and be tempted by unhealthy choices. It was a poisonous mindset that dominated every second of every day and dictated every decision I made.

I was lucky, I realised early and chose to make changes that I deserved...

I was lucky, this mindset didn’t stick around for long. The fact that I could recall a time of my life that I didn’t think like that was enough motivation for me to make some changes. Part of me felt that my thinking habits were instinctual - normal - like every girl thought like that, but slowly I came to the realisation I was very wrong - there is so much more to life than continuously monitoring my intake and experiencing waves of guilt.

Food is your friend Now, I am not opening myself up for fire; I understand these symptoms I described earlier probably was the early onset of an eating disorder, and those who do suffer such unfortunate diseases can’t be magically cured by reading this blog, they need the long term support of a mental health practitioner.

I am not naive and I also understand this is not an issue that affects solely women. I acknowledge I am no diet or nutrition expert - however I do know about psychology, challenging and changing perspective in order to experience gratitude and mindfulness - a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

Food should be your friend! Eating something yummy literally makes you happy by releasing endorphins. Our culture like so many others, is built around sharing food, drinks and laughter with friends and family. We need food to fuel our body – it’s imperial that you are able to build a healthy relationship with food not only for you happiness, but your survival!

7 Tips on building a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

1. Eat to fuel your mind, body and soul.

Firstly, a conscious effort to incorporate healthy nutritional meals in your diet and limit junk food is great. However how many of you have started diets? Finished diets? Then gone back to your previous way of eating? I am guessing most of you.

This can be fixed by changing your mindset. Don’t limit yourself to a “diet”, don’t deny yourselves food that literally makes you happy! Skip the diet, just eat healthy! Eat cookie dough when your heart wants it, and kale salad when you’re body needs it. A balanced healthy diet – everything in moderation. Trust me, your mind, body and soul will thank you.

2. Be mindful.

When you are eating, make sure you enjoy each mouthful, savor the taste. Sure when you are having your favourite ice cream, you go right ahead and demolish it! You Go Glen Coco You Go! We aren’t superheroes, everyone has their kryptonite. But, try to get in a habit of  paying attention to your body.

Sit down at a table to eat, rather than eating on the go or while watching TV. Be aware of how your body is feeling, are you full? Have a glass of water, leave it for 10 minutes and give your brain time for your body’s messages to register before you go for seconds (those left overs could be your free lunch tomorrow). Let your body guide you.

3. Be grateful for what you have before you loose it.

Like the relationship you had with your parents before they past away, or a past friendship or lover lost - don’t wait until it’s too late before you realise what you have. Do you recall a time where you had even a cold or flu and you told yourself you would do anything to be healthy again? Well use that same mindset with your body. You only have one, take care of it.

Don’t exercise to loose weight, don’t exercise to get that bikini body, exercise to clear your head, exercise to release endorphins, exercise to prevent cardiovascular disease, exercise to prevent diabetes, exercise to delay the onset of alzheimer’s. Exercise is not punishment - it is a gift. There is someone somewhere who lives their life in a wheel chair and would give anything to go for a run - don’t take your ability for granted.

4. If you don’t like it, don’t do it!

There is no use forcing yourself to go for a run if you hate every minute of it. Likewise there is no point in dragging yourself to the gym if you don’t enjoy yourself! It is so much easier to lead a healthy and active lifestyle when you are honest to yourself and play to your strengths. What do you like? You hate exercise and find it easier to feed your competitive side - get involved in a team sport.

You enjoy the energy and support of a gym - go and pump some weights. You enjoy the peace and solitude that comes with a morning walk - well put your runners on and enjoy ‘your time’. Remember why you are doing it. No-one is forcing you to exercise - you are doing it because some part of it aligns with your values. You are doing this because you want to, you are doing this for you!

 5. Be kind to yourself, you are human.

As I spoke earlier in regards to the mindset of ‘diets’. You are setting yourself up to be punished. You are setting some distinct rules on what you can and can’t do, and no-one likes being told what to do! Rules are made to be broken, and as humans it is in our nature to do exactly that – otherwise there wouldn’t be prisons, divorce, school detentions or time out in the naughty corner!

So after you have demolished that whole tub of cookie-dough ice-cream, don’t beat yourself up and send your self off on a guilt trip (I am sure the belly ache will be punishment enough in itself)…instead, acknowledge ‘that was naughty…oh but so worth it’ and maybe wait until the next weekend before you go do it again, that way it still has the novelty of being a treat.

 6. Pick your friends wisely.

Choose your friendship, leisure, sporting and work groups carefully. You have control over what circle you choose to stay in, so make sure you are choosing contexts that support and encourage you to be the best version of you. I am not sure if it is just a stereotype on the Gold Coast, or if it is the impression the rest of Australia also has on the people that live here, but I often hear “The Gold Coast is so pretentious - people here are so fake”.

Yes, l admit I understand how some people may have that perception, but that is a result of the environment they are in and the people they are choosing to mingle with. I love dancing, but due to the context that surrounded me for a while I lost my passion for it. I consciously decided to leave that environment, as I very well knew you become a product of your environment, and the values that were surrounding me no longer reflected ones I stood for.

Yes the Gold Coast has the best nightlife, but it also has the most beautiful beaches and rainforests. If you don’t want to spend every weekend following your friend’s unhealthy drinking habits, look for friends in different circles, put on your runners and go for a hike, go stand up paddle boarding. Fill your friendship circles with healthy influences, people who pick you up, motivate you, remind you of your worth and support your mind, body and soul.

7. Lead by example.

Women, we are our biggest critics. It is very rare that you hear a man putting a woman down for her weight, eating or exercise habits. We are the ones (majority of the time) making a snide remark “have you seen her in real life? She is fat”, “she’s skinny fat, she’s not toned”, “she would have the perfect body if she had an ass”…etc…the list goes on. Have you heard the quote “girls compete with each other, women empower one another?”.

Once again I don’t agree with insulting a woman’s maturity, but it is true to a certain extent. With experience, wisdom and self-love women do realise competing with some one is just playing to your insecurities. You are beautiful. Every woman is beautiful, and this is because our bodies look different, our minds think different and our souls yearn for different things.

So to help other women, and to do your part in changing women’s mindsets, every once in a while upload a photo of yourself or you girlfriends without a filter or any edits. Lead by example, show other women it is OK to be you, the real authentic you (freckles, stretchmark’s and all)!

When you hear another woman critiquing/commenting on another’s body, I don’t advise you attack her or even instigate a heated debate, what about just commenting on something you love about her rather than joining in on the slamming. Demonstrate to other women what supporting women looks like, so they can learn to do the same.

Lead by example, hopefully with enough leaders leading the self-love movement and consciously resisting the urge to feed the ego and instead choosing to feed their mind, body and soul, others will be encouraged and taught to do the same.

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There is no such thing as an un-resourceful person, only an un-resourceful mind.

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Working in Child Protection

I definitely have struggles with my world view, my expectations of myself and others, and my understanding of humanity. Each day (as most people do) I learn from experience and self-reflection. There are big discrepancies between what I know, what I have personally experienced and what I see and hear.

A lot of people have the perception to be a Life Coach you have to have gone through something pretty traumatic to be able to motivate others on how to overcome triumph and achieve success.

Sorry no sob story here.

I am not going to lie to you. That’s one of my strengths as a Life Coach and as a Child Safety Officer – I am transparent. I come from a pretty normal upbringing – however I can vouch that all my successes I have achieved on my own, nothing was handed to me, I do know the value of hard work and independence…well at least that is what I used to say to myself.

I have done a lot, seen a lot and know a lot for my age. I used to take pride in the fact I did it on my own. However since working in Child Protection I have come to realise something different.

My Story.

My Mum and Dad never gave me a cent. I got a job at 13 (with a letter of consent from my parents that I could work under the legal age of 14 and 9 months). I bought my first car by myself, studied hard and sat my HSC.

I was the first person in my family to be accepted into university let alone even apply. I gained a scholarship for university. I moved 14 hours away from everyone and everything I had ever known at 18. I worked 4 jobs. I wasn’t eligible for centrelink so I paid my own bills.

I studied hard, gaining myself another scholarship, which enabled me to study overseas and travel. I finished my degree and got into Honours, which lead me to a Graduate position working in QLD Government Child Protection.

What I have learnt from working in child protection.

As I tried to shorten my life story earlier in attempt to explain, I am not a stranger to hard work. But working with families in Child Protection – I have come to realise I didn’t do it by myself. Yes, I looked those scary dreams in the eye and went in for battle, however I was never alone.

I have always had the support of a loving mum, dad and two younger brothers. A nuclear family in itself is a gift – so many today come from broken families and homes. From a young age I was encouraged I could be who ever I wanted to be, I could go wherever I wanted to go, I could achieve whatever I could dream (to their dismay I don’t think they anticipated I would have been chasing those dreams so fast).

In this world there are a lot of things that are out of our control, but our actions aren’t one of them.

Don’t get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t sheltered, but I definitely survived unscathed. Like all kids I battled the schoolyard daemons, having buckteeth in primary school didn’t make it easy to avoid the bullies.

But I think it’s from those experiences I learnt young that people’s actions and words weren’t a reflection of who I was. It didn’t make a difference how pure my intentions were or how nice I was – they were going to act like that regardless. I had no control over it – it was a reflection of their reality – all I could do was have control over my actions. This is a lesson I still try to teach in my practice today;

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.”
— Mother Teresa

Despite being fearful of catching the school bus with these bullies – I chose to put my head down at school and after 3pm I would invest myself in a different area and a different group of friends.

This lead me to true friendships and what became my outlet for years – dancing. From here I kept building on my perspective of the world, becoming more accepting, positive and at peace with my place in it.

I had the self-confidence instilled from family. I had a sense of autonomy and mastery having had been given the space and opportunities by my parents to grow and test myself – I knew my self-worth because I had never been treated badly by a loved one (let me note I wasn’t dating yet, those heartbreaks were yet to come!).

You are not your past.

I am not saying, that you need to come from a loving childhood to achieve success. I am not saying for your future to be bright you can’t have scars from the past and I definitely do not believe your past defines you, otherwise I would not be working in the area I am.

I am saying – understanding the effect of having a loving child hood or having support or the lack of, from family can assist in comprehending why some are having trouble achieving the same goals as others later in life, or living to different social standards or holding different values.

For one a goal may be to expand on their investment portfolio, to another it might just be to be able to look in the mirror and not hate the person they see, it might be to last a whole week sober, to be able to understand why they self- sabotage every relationship they enter, or to understand why their parents struggle to show them love.

Behaviours are reflections of beliefs.

A lot of people’s pasts and upbringings affect the thoughts, beliefs and values they have. The unhelpful ones in particular – self-limiting beliefs - are the ones that cause the most disruptive behaviours and resistance.

But the good news is, that’s all they are; beliefs. They are not your reality. They can be challenged and changed. For outsiders, you need to understand behaviours are reflections of people’s beliefs.

If someone is not respecting their bodies, their health or is allowing others to treat them badly –they need someone to remind them of their self-worth, encourage them to believe in themselves.

People are not their behaviours.

Accept people. Assist them in changing their beliefs in order to change their behaviour. I get asked a lot how I work in child protection and that is my secret; I whole-heartedly accept every one of my clients. I don’t judge them, I hear their story.

I get told I am naïve. Even in the area of work I am in, I see the best in people. I strongly believe that there is no such thing as an un-resourceful person, just an un-resourceful mind. People do the best they can, with the knowledge and resources they have available at that given time.

You can’t expect a bird, who has been caged for it’s whole life – to one day when the gate is left open to fly free and survive. But I assure you, slowly with support and encouragement it might.

We all need a little support and a little understanding.

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Its OK to not be OK - Pain is Normal

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“My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise, like a permanent vacation. We’re all just out here, sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, catching waves. Are they insane? Do they think we are immune to life? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed up, our cancers less fatal, our heartache less painful?”

— The Descendants

I love to read widely to strengthen my practice and keep it up to date with the latest research. I am a firm believer in walking my talk, I encourage my clients to always be learning and growing - so consequently here are some of my teachings based on Russ Harris's book 'The Happiness Trap'. If you would like to read more and gain a better understanding behind the psychological practice behind this theory I encourage you to have a read yourself.

SSHH… I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET.

What if I was to tell you, that almost everything you believed about finding happiness turned out to be inaccurate, misleading or false?

There is a growing body of scientific research that suggests we are all caught in a powerful psychological trap, a vicious cycle in which the more we try to find happiness the more we suffer.

Friends posting on instagram what their partner did for them, magazines feeding us what we have to look like to be desirable, TV advertisements manipulating us to believe we need to own materialistic objects to be happy, government policies forcing us to conform to a lifestyle and belief that we need to ‘work’ 5 days a week – 260 days a year to deserve a couple of weeks break, society selling us the concept of having a career, your own home and settling down with kids of your own is the epitome of happiness…why is it then we have an increasing amount of middle aged – middle class women suffering from depression and anxiety?

They have followed the recipe book for a fulfilled and happy life to the T – then found themselves full of despair and confusion when they don’t feel as ecstatic as they were told they would be – did I pour in ¾ cup too much of having fun?

BUT… I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY

In the Western world we now have a higher standard of living than humans have ever known before.

We have better medical treatment, better housing conditions, better sanitation, more money, more welfare services, and more access to education, justice, travel, entertainment, and career opportunities. Today’s middle class live better than the royalty did not so long ago. And yet humans today don’t seem very happy.

OH YEAH, SAYS WHO?

Research says. The statistics speak for themselves;

In any given year almost 30% of the adult population will suffer from a recognised psychological disorder.

The World Health Organization estimates that depression is currently the fourth biggest, costliest, and most debilitating disease in the world and by the year 2020, it will be the second biggest. In any given week, one tenth of the adult population is suffering from clinical depression, and one in five will suffer from it at some point in their life-time.

But even more startling is the fact that almost one in two people will go through a stage in life when they seriously consider suicide and will struggle with it for a period of two weeks or more. Scarier still, one in ten people will at some point actually attempt to kill themselves….

I’ll give you a moment for those numbers to resonate with you…

Think of your friends, your family, your co-workers, the random masses of people walking around your local shopping center…almost half of them will at some point be so overwhelmed by misery that they seriously contemplate suicide. One in ten will actually go on to attempt it.

It becomes obvious, lasting, ever flowing happiness is not normal!

BUT WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS BE HAPPY?

Let me take you on a brief psychology lesson exploring evolutionary theory.

Today, our modern human minds have evolved with amazing abilities to analyse, plan, create and communicate. This evolutionary process has taken a long time – not like the agonizing week long wait for the next episode of orange is the new black to come out- more like a hundred thousand years (no exaggeration).

First on the planet – were these bad ass homo sapiens. They were equipped with minds to help them survive in a world full of danger. They weren’t lazing around telling jokes with ‘bae’ or counting how many likes their last insta post got. They were only concerned with meeting their four essential needs to survive and reproduce; food, water, shelter and sex.

However none of these things mattered if you were dead. So the number one priority: look out for anything that might harm you – and avoid it. The smarter mind was able to avoid more bullies, which meant they were able to live longer, which meant they had more time to have jiggy jiggy and make babies.

SO…AS THE STORY GOES…

So with each generation the mind became increasingly more effective in predicting and avoiding danger.

And now, after one hundred thousand years of evolution, the modern mind is constantly on the lookout; is it dangerous? Harmful or helpful?

However these days we aren’t on the look out for saber-toothed tigers, instead its loosing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, getting cancer, embarrassing ourselves in public or a million other things. As a result we spend a lot of our time worrying about things that more often than not, never happen.

Another essential for the survival of any early human is to belong to a group. If your crew or squad booted you out, it wouldn’t be long until the wolves found you. So how does the mind protect you from rejection of the group?

By comparing yourself with others, both friends and foes to assess is your membership at threat; Am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing? Am I as good as the others?

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Our modern-day minds are continuously warning us of rejection and comparing us to the rest of society.

No wonder we spend so much energy worrying if other people will like us. No wonder we are always looking at ways to improve ourselves or putting ourselves down because we don’t ‘measure up’.

A hundred thousand years ago we only had a few members of our immediate tribe to compare ourselves to. But today, we only need to glance at a newspaper, a magazine, swipe down on our Facebook or instagram newsfeeds to instantly find a whole host of people who are skinnier, richer, sexier, more powerful, more famous or more successful than we are.

When we compare ourselves up against these glamorous media creations, we feel inferior or disappointed with our lives. To make matters worse, our minds are now so sophisticated they can conjure up a fantasy image of the person we would ideally like to be – and then we compare ourselves to that! What chance have we got? We will always end up feeling not good enough.

GET MORE. GET BETTER.

Now for any Stone Age Person with ambition, the general rule for success is; get more and get better.

The better the weapons, the more food you can kill. The larger your foods stores, the greater your chances for survival in times of scarcity. The better your shelter, the safer you are from wild weather and animals, the more children you have, the greater chance that some will survive into adulthood.

No surprise, our evolved mind also carried this strategy forward, we today are still lead to believe “more and better”, more money, a better job, more status, a better body, more love, a better partner.

And if we succeed, if we do get more money, or a better car, or a bigger house or buy a bigger set of tits, then we are satisfied – for a while. But sooner or later (and usually sooner), we end up wanting more.

Thus evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, criticize ourselves and others, to focus on what we are lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder we find it hard to always be happy.

WHAT IS HAPPINESS?

We all want it. We all crave it. We all strive for it. Even the Dalai Lama has said “The very purpose of life is to seek happiness.”

But what exactly is it? The word happiness has two different meanings. The common meaning of the word is “feeling good”. In other words, feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness or gratification – a state. We all enjoy these feelings, so it’s no surprise that we chase them.

However, like any human emotion, feelings of happiness don’t last. No matter how hard we try to hold onto them, they slip away every time. And a life spent in pursuit of happiness is, in the long term deeply unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.

The other far less common meaning of happiness is “living a rich, full and meaningful life”. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich, full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality.

This is not some fleeting feeling – it is a mindset that appreciates and understands a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as fear, sadness, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions…happiness being among them.

I STILL DON’T GET IT…IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY?

Of course we all enjoy feeling good, and we should certainly make the most of the pleasant feelings when they appear. But if we try to have them all the time, we are doomed to fail.

The reality is, life involves pain. There is no getting away from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we will grow frail, get sick and die. Sooner or later we all will loose valued relationships through rejection, separation or death. Sooner or later we will all come to face with crises, disappointment and failure. This means that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts and feelings.

SO YOU MEAN TO BE TRULY HAPPY I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY?

More or less, yes. By truly understanding that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

The good news is that although we cant avoid such pain we can learn to handle it much better – to make room for it, reduce its impact, and create a life worth living despite it.

The sad thing is for so long society has told us something different. From a young age we are taught we should be able to control our feelings. When you were young I am sure you heard a number of expressions like “don’t cry”, “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “there’s nothing to be afraid of”, “stop being a sook”

With phrases such as these, the adults around us are sending the message again and again that we ought to be able to control our feelings.

But what was going on behind their closed doors?

They may have been drinking too much, having an affair, throwing themselves into work, suffering in silence whilst slowly developing stomach ulcers. Whatever method they used to cope, I bet they probably didn’t share those experiences with you.

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT OF HEARD OF BEFORE….ITS CALLED SADNESS AND YES, IT IS NORMAL.

On those rare occasions when you did get to witness their loss of control, I am betting they never explained to you “okay, these tears are because I am feeling something called sadness. It’s a normal feeling, and you can learn to handle it effectively”. But then, that’s not too surprising, they couldn’t show you how to handle your emotions because they didn’t know how to handle theirs.

The idea that you should be able to control your feelings was undoubtedly reinforced in your school years. Do you recall kids who cried at school being teased for being “crybabies”, or “sissies” – especially if they were boys?

Then, as you grew older, you probably heard phrases (or even used them yourself) such as “get over it”, “snap out of it”, “shit happens”, “move on”, “chill out” and so on. These phrases imply that you should be able to turn your feelings on and off at will, like flicking a switch.

BUT EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS HAPPY

And why is this myth so compelling? Because people around us seem, on the surface, to be happy.

They seem to be in control of their thoughts and feelings, they always post happy photos on their instagram and facebook. But seem is the key word here. The fact is most people are not open or honest about the struggle they go through with their own thoughts and feelings.

Too many people are feeling guilty for not being happy. The secret to happiness is not always being happy, but understanding the concept of happiness by practicing mindfulness – allowing your perspective to be challenged.

Everyone’s pain deserves to be validated – we all have permission to be upset.

It is OK to not be OK. We are all human, it is part of our evolved design… and it is not weak to speak about it, as I highlighted the statistics earlier – you are definitely not alone and there are services that can help if sadness is hanging around for prolonged periods.

The organisation LIVIN is a great place to start – gaining momentum in breaking down mental health stigma’s around the globe. You can click on their website if you would also like some referrals to further support services.

LIFE IS ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR MINDSET.

1. Don’t be manipulated by status, fashion or money. Don’t allow society to dictate to you what should make you happy.

2. Practice self-awareness and mindfulness. Are you aware of what makes you happy? Be motivated by your values, live your life in accordance to what is important to you.

3. Acknowledge when you’re not feeling OK. Accept it. Allow it. Try to change the way you think about it. Did you learn something? Did you grow? Did it make you happy at the time? Did it allow you the opportunity to reassess your values? Did it give you the opportunity to have a good old-fashioned cry, devour a tub of cookie dough ice-cream and let it all out?

It is OK, to not be OK.

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Letting Go and Dealing with Breakups

Letting Go by Life Above Zero

Letting Go by Life Above Zero

The Breakup - Letting Go 101

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt”
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

YOU’LL BE IN PAIN

Yes, it hurts. Unfortunately, pain does not discriminate. It affects us all: the elderly, children, men, women, the rich and the poor. Every race in every country, in every town or city or village is subject to pain.

The pain of stubbing a toe, the pain of a broken bone or a split lip. Then there is a different kind of pain, which is not tangible, not as obvious to others as a sling or bruise.

BIG GIRLS CRY

Girls get it over and done with. Generally, we accept that the fairer sex, women, tend to talk about when they’re in emotional pain. Women cry and talk and cry some more and analyse their break up from every angle so it can be resolved.

Research has identified that women do fall in love faster; ironically they also get over relationships faster than their male counterparts.

…BOYS CRY TOO?! 

Sorry guys, you suck at moving on. Men, at the end of a relationship tend to (on average, according to research - apologies for the generalisation to those emotionally intelligent blokes reading) revert to wearing a façade. Men will say they’re OK, and genuinely believe that for some time.

They will distract themselves with anything they can get their hands on - mates, alcohol, sport, gym, work and casual sex for a few months. This is partly why the suicide rate is higher amongst men, but that is a discussion for another day.

Eventually, when their façade begins to weaken, their pain creeps up and surprises them. Finding themselves being faced with a failed relationship will push a man to one of two conclusions.

  1. Man realises he really is happier without Sally. He goes about his business and meets Jill.

  2. Man realises he really isn’t ok. He realises he’s made a mistake and usually by this time Sally has moved on and is now dating Jack.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

Failed relationships - we all have them. Gen Y, we’ve come up with a brilliant foolproof plan for moving on (excuse the sarcasm);

  • You explained to them how you felt and the need for the clean break - because we are all mature adults who can handle talking about emotions right?

  • You cut them out of your life - let’s be honest, you blocked them on Facebook but are using your best friends account to keep an eye on them.

  • You are moving forward with your life… well you’re trying to and are hoping that whoever you’ve left behind is seeing all your fabulous Instagram posts about how well you’re doing without them.

JUST STOP…

What you’re doing is not working. These are all appropriate and relevant steps and congratulations for being decisive enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. However, as much as I would like to tell you you are on your way….I am sorry to say you are not. The crazy Facebook stalking and forced smile in your Instagram selfie isn’t fooling anyone, including yourself.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

The “…but’s”, “…what if’s” & “…I should have’s” are making you crazy. It’s a slow process, but you will get there. Firstly, we need to explore your thinking. The reason people have trouble letting go of relationships are usually the huge questions of ‘WHY’ and ‘WHAT IF’. Generally there is still resentment or disbelief as to how one party fell short of the others expectations, or because there is unfinished business. This can have very negative effects on your mindset and wellbeing.

RESENTMENT.

Let it go. As the famous Nelson Mandala states “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”, wasting energy hating another person is not doing you any favours.

If they did something to hurt you why are you the one who is being punished feeling all this hate? If they haven’t been bothered enough to address and solve the situation, you allowing them to consume your energy is having no affect on them.

You lie awake thinking of your situation. They are sleeping just fine. The only thing you are doing is closing yourself off from all the gifts the universe is trying to give to you, if only you were present. Allow your past to make you better, not bitter.

EXPECTATIONS.

Expect things only of yourself, that way you cannot be disappointed. A wise woman (my beautiful mother) once told me not to place my own expectations onto someone else. The old saying ‘treating others how you would like to be treated’ still stands during the break down of a relationship. I know you don’t want to, but give your best anyway.

Unfortunately there are no rules or textbook dictating each role in a relationship and there certainly aren’t any rules during the ending of a relationship. You have to just learn and move forward. At least next time you’ll allocate your energies accordingly.

IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

It’s tough to believe, but generally a break up affects both of you. Try to be mindful of how the other person feels, just because things have ended between you does not make them a bad person.

Maybe they were brought up with different family values, maybe their culture doesn’t hold the same beliefs or meaning, maybe they have been hurt before and you are just witnessing their carefully critiqued coping mechanism.

YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN

There is probably nothing more you can do to fix the situation. All you can do is acknowledge you did all you were willing to at the time; you were the best person you could be. Simply understand it happened and dwelling on it, re-living it, ruminating on every little detail won’t change anything.

You only prevent yourself from closing a chapter and getting closer to your happy-ever-after. So let go of the negative energy. Let go of the hate. Let go of the heavy burden. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do.

BUT WHAT IF I HAD…?

You’ve done all you can. So, the unfinished business…the “what if?” What if what? This is one I hear over and over again. Insert your excuse: timing, priorities, work, travelling, etc.

If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, if you both truly wanted it you would both be fighting for it, now! So write down every reason you’re telling yourself is the excuse for the prolonged clean break.

Once you have written them all down – imagine each of those excuses being as you want them to be. How do you feel now? I am confident you still won’t feel ready to commit.

That’s because; yes you like them, you like the comfort you find in them - its not enough. Be honest to yourself – you like them, or maybe they like you, but not enough.

THE CHAPTER IS OVER.

Closure. It’s something so many women yearn for and I swear so many men would benefit from were it socially acceptable for men to talk about feelings (we are closer than any other generation when it comes to men and their feelings - Gen Y give yourself a pat on the back).

This is such a powerful step for moving forward. You need to have already sat and made peace with your thoughts and acknowledged your feelings. Once you have explored your feelings – I am sure you will have some questions.

Why did they hurt me? Did I do something wrong? Did they not understand me?

After the chaos has cleared, and you can muster up the courage to talk to the other party without your heart dropping to your stomach or breaking down into tears –ask them those questions.

Ask for some honest feedback. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them. There is no such thing as failure in life, just lessons – and that includes relationships too.

Learn from past mistakes – grow – love – live. BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY! It will get easier. I know there’s probably many of you reading this thinking ‘yes if only it was that easy’. Or maybe you have tried all the above and still can’t let go. And that’s Ok - You got burnt. Bad.

But as cliché as it sounds, you can’t have the rainbow without the rain. Would you rather have loved and lost than to never know what it felt like to love and be loved in return?

I STILL CAN’T LET GO

Remember, you’re in control of you. OK, OK – here is a sneaky psychology trick to help. You are in charge of your thoughts and with that, you can control your reality.

STEP 1

Challenge your schemas (sorry about the jargon, schemas are mental representations you create based on information provided by life experience then stored in your memory).

All the things they may have done to upset you, intentional or not, tie it up in parcel in your memory. That’s one schema. Throw it away. It happened. It hurt. It left you with a scar, but you grew from it.

STEP 2

Now, think of all the good memories, the innocence, the smiles, the laughter, the belonging, the friendship…don’t tie that up. Scatter them in a mental scrapbook with bright vibrant stick it notes, like little reminders of the fun.

When you think of them, when you hear their name, when a song comes on that reminds you of them, look back at your mental scrapbook of all the great memories and smile. Never ever regret something that once made you smile.

You can’t just wake up one morning and not love someone anymore – and if you can it wasn’t love. Acknowledge and give yourself permission to admit you loved them, you will always love them but you’re no longer in love with them.

Radiate positive energy, be grateful for your time with them and hope wherever they are they are happy, just as you deserve to be happy, and finally let them go.

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How Spring Cleaning can help your Mindset

Spring Cleaning the Life Above Zero Way

Spring Cleaning the Life Above Zero Way

Spring the Season of Growth

YES, LITERALLY CLEAN YOUR HOUSE! The cleaner it is, the more accomplished you’ll feel…

One of the things that give’s me the most peace in my life is having a clean, simple home. When I wake up in the morning and walk into a living room that has been decluttered, I am able to start my day, calm, fresh and focused.

On the other hand, if I walk into a living room cluttered with books or dishes, my mind is chaos. They are reminders of all the things that I didn’t get done yesterday.

I am already starting the day on the back foot and I haven’t even had breakfast yet. It’s hard to become enthused or excited for what the day has to offer when the first thing you see are reminders of yesterdays chores.

YOUR LOUNGEROOM IS JUST LIKE YOUR BRAIN. Your space can easily become a reflection of your thoughts…

You will me amazed how simplifying, cleaning and decluttering your space makes a big difference to your state of mind. Whether it be your office, your bedroom, your study, your bathroom or your email inbox. Use the spring season as an excuse to kick your bum into gear and create clarity, your thoughts will then slowly be able to follow suite.

Which means less stress...

YES THERE IS METHOD TO THIS CLEANING MADNESS. Your mother may have just wanted to nag you, but there is actually some scholarly credit to having a clean space…

Firstly clutter is a form of visual distraction. You may not be consciously aware of it, but your unconscious energy is being depleted by everything in your vision. Every word, every colour, every object has meaning tied to it.

Approximately 1500 words run through your brain each minute. That sounds exhausting enough, but if you are able to train your thoughts and create a nurturing and supporting environment, those can be 1500 words of self-love, praise and gratitude.

The less clutter, the less visual stress you will have and consequently less triggers to unproductive thoughts. A simple home is calming.

SORRY, YOU’VE GOT TO DO YOUR BEDROOM TOO. Come on, you spend as much as 227,468 hours of your life in there sleeping…

As I stated earlier this isn’t just applicable to the parts of your house where you have guests. Your bedroom may be your safe place, your sanctuary.

You may not believe you need to clean it or make your bed, or pick your clothes up off the floor because no one see’s it, but this is not for anyone else. This is for you. Give yourself permission to take some time. Time to get rid of the old, clean away the stagnant energy, and allow space for the new.

…AND YOUR COMPUTER. Your mail inbox can have the exact same effect on your state of mind…

Do you spend the first hour of each day sifting through emails, feeling defeated as to where to start? Those 1500 words bombarding your brain each minute at those moments…I doubt many are your owns words.

Rather they are words constructing directions from management, requests from clients, asking and ordering you around. Do yourself a favour. Give yourself the time to read each email – focus – be present. It will take time if you haven’t already, but prioritise your emails in the relevant folders, that should be your next step if you haven’t already organised your inbox.

Declutter your Workspace

Declutter your workspace by simplifying and cleaning up your inbox. Even if you can only afford 10 minutes each day on this task, if you stick to it, eventually one day you will come into work with an organised and decluttered inbox which allows you to only read other’s words when you are in the right state of mind, deliberately and actively open to receive it. This will assist you to start each workday with purpose, clarity and intention.

Once you have finished prioritising your incoming emails into the delegated folders…that pile of papers staring at you on your desk is next to go!

Slowly but surely, begin to declutter and simplify your life. It’s the season to reassess, refocus and rejuvenate.

Happy cleaning!

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Living Deliberately - Health and Wellbeing

life-above-zero-blog.png

Hi lovers and welcome to the Life Above Zero blog. This space is used to share love and light. A resource, a coach, a friend, some inspiration you can always turn to – to regain focus, gain momentum, to pick yourself up, and to hear validation – a polite reminder; you are worthy. There is Life Above Zero, and you deserve to live it.

Life Above Zero encompasses a holistic view of living and wellbeing, acknowledging there is more than not being sick, not being sad, not having anything to complain about.

  • Yes, those are things to be grateful for, but are you truly grateful for them?

  • Does your soul ooze gratitude for the energy you have to freely to devote to things you choose are important?

  • Are you aware of what values are important to you?

  • Are you surrounded by friends yet still feel alone?

  • When you hear your loved ones speak, are you actually listening to what they have to say?

Connection. Purpose. Intention. There is more to life than coasting through it. There is more to life than being just OK. There is Life Above Zero, there are reasons to wake up everyday and feel enthusiastic with a genuine lust for life. You don’t need a lot of money or the perfect body, you don’t need a lot of friends or the perfect partner and you don’t need a lot of attention.

All you need is your perspective challenged, broadened and heard. I hope with each of my blog’s you read; you are able to grow, you learn something new. I hope something I say resonates with your soul and you slowly start to live deliberately, a Life Above Zero.

It seems everyday we are pressured to run faster and faster on the treadmill of life, just to keep up. We live in an age where we consume information, food and media at a breakneck pace, with so many influences dictating to us what is important, forcing expectations upon us of the person we have to be.

We have every minute of our scheduled days packed with errands, tasks and chores. We rush from one place to the next; we rush to get ready in the morning, and then we rush to get to work on time, just to then be able to rush in completing the tasks expected of us, before we then rush home to meet our next obligation and prepare ourselves for our next rushed day.

Life is increasingly competitive. Too many of us become dependent upon adrenalin to keep us where we need to be. We access adrenalin on demand; tea, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, sugar. These mimic the effects of the real thing, however ironically can lead to 'burn out', where we feel stressed and unhappy instead of fueled and energised.

Many of us feel overwhelmed as a result of our fast paced lives, leading to an alarming spike in diagnosed depression and anxiety in our society.

I cannot tell you all of life’s secrets, I can’t change your entire life today, but what I can do is promise to volunteer wisdom, to help you wake up each day with intention, purpose and gratitude.

You may not have the time to make big changes…yet, and that’s OK. However, today choose to honour yourself and your worth. If you can only commit to small steps: start here, your journey starts with you taking that first, small step.

Honour your time, honour your health, and honour your soul longing for purpose. Try to sit with your thoughts, look inside yourself for genuine energy and pure adrenalin substitutes. The biggest source of energy is enthusiasm and a lust for life. Keep in mind - when you reduce stress there is less need for adrenalin.

So get outside, do something for you, gain a bigger perspective. Make time for something that naturally excites you, something that purely the thought of calms you and somehow magically grows a smile across your face. Whether it be going for a walk, feeling the sun kiss your skin, watching a movie with your partner, playing with your children, dancing all night with your girlfriends…

Take the first step, do something for you, allow yourself some wind down time - because change begins within.

Talk soon,

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